Continuous fail at blogging

Well, its two days until Christmas and so much as been achieved since my last post.
Tomorrow, I will be 3 weeks on T. It was really frustrating how long it took to actually get on T, but I feel so much better now that I've started. I can't wait to start seeing changes in my physical appearance. Even more so, I can't wait until my menstrual cycle stops.
As of now, I don't really see many changes. There was a slight increase in appetite, but nothing major. I've also put on some muscle, but that's likely due to the fact that my wrist is finally feeling strong enough after I broke it this summer.
I need to buy a new binder or two this year, because my old one is wearing out.
Over all it's been an exciting two months.

Update

Wow, so I fail at keeping up with this blog. My bad.

A week ago, I reached 3 months of therapy, which qualified me to start T. I'll be starting a little over a month from now.

At the same time, it seems like every day I'm fighting off the onslaught of dysphoria and depression.

I'm still balancing on the edge of a knife.

But its going to get better

Strength

These past two weeks have been a real test of patience and strength.

On a positive note, I'm three sessions shy of starting T. Three more weeks. Actually, I think my therapist is going to make me wait 4 more weeks and start around October 12th like planned. But a guy can dream right?

Lord knows I need that dream right now.

On a more negative note, its not even the second week of classes and I'm already reeling from the shock of two deaths of people close to me.

A guy that I marched with in high school committed suicide a little over a week ago, which was a huge shock to everyone. The guy was always so positive, and happy and no one could have seen it coming.

And then Friday night I got a call from my Mum telling me that my Grandad had passed away. Its weird, because we all expected him to outlive us all. He was such a youthful healthy guy. We're not even sure what killed him. A heart attack, stroke or maybe and aneurism?

I'm taking the death of my grandad really hard. I'm the oldest grandkid and its hard to know that both he and my grandmum (who passed 10 years ago) are both gone. Both my mum's parents. Its awful, and the loss is really stressing me out.

I'm going to need strength now more than ever. I'm trying to hold fast to what I have.

I'm roughly one month shy of starting T right now.

I apologise for the short post, but I have ridiculous amounts of homework to do.

I'm getting bad about remembering to blog again. But this time its because I got a Tumblr, and I'm doing a lot from there.

jdclouston.tumblr.com

But I feel like I'll still post from here a fair bit. This medium gives me a fair amount of space to type long emotional entries.

Today is my 8th therapy session I think, and my Dad is coming with me. I'm not really sure what to expect, but I feel like its going to help him to hear about all of this from a source that isn't me. I know he wants to be able to support me, but he just doesn't know how.

The further I get in my transition, the more attracted I get to men. Its weird to type this, and weirder to say it out loud, because for 20 years I've been solely attracted to women. I've always admired men for their bodies, but I'd sooner jump a barbed wire fence then get in bed with them.

But the more I accept myself as a man, the more I think I might actually be bisexual. or possibly pansexual.

At this point, I don't think I could see myself in a sexual relationship with a man. But I think... that I might possibly be ok with having a boy friend. and someday, I think I could be ok with having sex with a man.

Of course, this is all depending on when I stop seeing my attraction to men as heterosexual, and start seeing my attraction to men as homosexual.

damn, being an FTM is weird sometimes.

The strength to carry on

Just when I'm about to give up and lessen blogging for a bit, I'm reminded that I still have viewers. People who read my blog. Thank you. Even though I mainly blog for myself, it means the world to me that people actually take time out of their day to read about my life and troubles.

Lets see here. Today, is July 29th, 2010. I'm 20 years, 1 month, and 1 day old, which is a huge deal for me because there were many point in time where I wasn't sure I'd make it this far. Not entirely through my own fault, but I always thought I'd die young. Apparently there's hope for me yet, and I'm probably going to grow up to be a grumpy old man someday. But the point is, every day for me is a gift. Especially as of late.

These past 16 days (since I started seeing my therapist) have been some of the roughest days I've experienced. Its been one hell of an emotional roller coaster. On one hand, I'm very excited to be starting my transition journey. Its so unreal that its actually happening, and that I'll be starting T in a little over 2 months. But on the other hand, 2 months is a long time. Some mornings its an absolute struggle to get out of bed. Some mornings I feel so hopeless, because my dysphoria kicks in and I sink into a downward spiral of depression. Its the scariest thing. I get so lethargic, I have to force myself to get out of bed/off the couch and eat not because I'm lazy, but because sometimes I feel that there's no point in eating. I have to force myself to shower, because I can't stand to see my naked body and I won't do it otherwise. Usually I sleep just in boxers, but on those days that are full of dysphoria I sleep in my binder too, which is ridiculously unsafe. But I can't stand the feel of bare chest. I sleep wearing my packer too on these days/nights because its comforting. Usually I take it off to sleep so that it's not unnecessarily worn down.

There is so much hope, yet I'm fighting a thousand inner battles. I'm so thankful every day that I have such a powerful support network. I don't even want to think about where I'd be without all of you. Even those of you who support from the shadows. So thank you. All of you. You give me the strength to carry on.

Therapy

My grand adventure into the world of therapy has begun. One week down, and either 11 weeks or 10 sessions to go until I can start taking testosterone. I'm really really excited, but at the same tim I'm nervous. in less than three months a lot of changes will be happening to me. Its going to be a fantastic, yet scary time.

Thank goodness I have such a solid support group.

Savings

I officially have $4.76 saved towards hormones/surgery. While this might not seem like a lot, all savings have to start somewhere. I just dumped my spare change into a jar and labeled it Hormones Savings. Its a great feeling, knowing that I'm starting to save up. When I have a job again, a little bit of every paycheck will go towards saving up for surgery.

Its coming...

About a month ago I ordered an STP device. So that... you know... I could pee standing up. In a urinal. Like all the other guys. Because I got to the point where I was (and still am) ridiculously uncomfortable using public bathrooms. Because I don't fit into either. I'm a man, so I don't belong in a woman's restroom. But I can't pee standing up, and I felt awkward using men's restrooms.

And I waited. Because the guys I order from custom make the devices. and today I finally got an email back from them that said my order was going to ship FRIDAY. That means it'll be here next week. Then I can start practising using it. and then I'll be able to pee in public again.

I'll take pictures when it gets here.

Awake

This morning I woke up feeling great. I felt refreshed, I felt awake and I felt like me.

Looking in the mirror, I could see past the female flaws in my body and love myself for who I am underneath it all.

Slowly, day by day, I am am learning to love myself again.

I'm not sure what else to write about today, but for now this is enough.

effff

Its weird, because I was so happy, so excited yesterday and now I'm not.

Today, I was supposed to wander around downtown and look for a therapist. I was so excited, because this afternoon is essentially an "afternoon off".

But yesterday Auntie Flo came knocking and I'm too meh to leave the house. I can't leave the house to look for someone to diagnose me with GID when I feel too depressed, too icky, too feminine to get out of bed. Dear body, thanks for reminding me that I'm a biological female when I need it the least.

I'm just in a state of sulk, because my moobs hurt, my ovaries hurt and I feel bloated and tired. and if I tried to talk to any psychiatrists, I'd probably burst into tears.

I hate feeling female. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Days like this make me wish I had a girlfriend to tell me that it was going to be ok, and I'm still an attractive man no matter what. I need reassurance and comfort. :/

but instead I have to rely on myself because I can't continually burden my friends with this. It just wouldn't be right.

Pride

I just got back from an exhausting weekend at Capitol Pride. I gotta say, I'm very proud to be an (ish) out and active member of the LGBT community. Getting to go to events that bring the community together is just plain awesome.

Being "out" at these events as a transman is even more awesome. I love getting to spend entire weekends being Jon. Where EVERYONE there calls me Jon. Where the Starbucks guy writes Jon down on my cup without a second thought.

It gives me a lot of hope.

Sunshine

today i realized that for the past month (save the several hours spent with my father), I've been (and thought of myself) as Jonathan. Now if only my non-college life could catch up. I hated being a closet homosexual, and i hate being a closet transman even more.

to be honest i hate lying to my parents about important stuff like this.

i just want to scream, yes! yes i'm content having intimate relationships with women. i'm just not content BEING a woman.

My name is Jonathan, and i am your SON.

But every time i go to open my mouth about it, nothing comes out.

on a different note, today i'm out and about in a sports bra (rather than my binder), and for the first time in 3 months i'm not packing. Talk about emptiness. i dont feel like me. I mean, no shit... Jon doesn't go out with tits and without his dick.

ahhhh this was supposed to be a happy blog. dammit be happy Jon!

Broken

Hey, Jon here again.

This is going to be a short blog cuz I broke my arm in a bicycle accident so I'm typing one handed.

unfortunetely my broken arm means that i can only wear loose fitting clothes. meaning no binder. aka, i have boobs until i can easily take my binder on and off again.

im depressed about this.

6-8 weeks of cast + looking like a girl. i dont like it.

I want out

I want out. I'm through.

I woke up this morning and went into the bathroom to change, caught sight of myself in the mirror and cried. I know its just a bad day, and I know it'll pass, but I'm over this.

I've sent out emails (my draft box is finally empty), but no replies yet.

I'm so upset. I can hardly put my shirt on anymore without catching sight of the god-awful lumps of breast tissue hanging off of me. I go to admire my developing abs, but my chest is not perfect yet.

Coming off my monthies, my moobs are sore, and that only makes it worse. I can feel them.

I just... arg. I want them gone. Or I'm through.

I'm scared.

Under the advice of some friends, I took a couple more steps (more like leaps) forward.

I sent out an email. an email to someone I hope can point me in the right direction.

I don't know why all this terrifies me. I'm doing what I've dreamt of doing.

There's just too much stress.

and its getting to me.

monthlies

I hate them.

entering dysphoria mode now.

checking out of the cosmos temporarily.

Disturb at your own risk.

Untitled (again)

I think I'm chalking this up to Summer. For whatever reason it always has a weird effect on me. I think its the break from structure and rules. I have a lot more time to think about myself and my life, among other things. As of late, I'm not pleased with the things that I've been finding there.

I worry that as I move forward in my transition I'm losing crucial parts of who I am. and that's not something that I want to be happening. Some crucial (read:Female) parts I'm ok with losing, but I refuse to sacrifice other things like my attitude, personality and simply the way I hold myself in order to fit into the mold of a Real Man™. I am my own man after all. I don't need to fit anyone's definition of a Man.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

and yet as I try harder and harder to pass, I find that I try to fit those definitions in hopes that that'll help me pass. But trying to fit stereotypes doesn't result in a complete person. I have to keep telling myself that.

I am who I am. I'm not going to lose myself in this process.

I'm not going to sacrifice who I am for anything, for anyone.

I keep telling myself that these "self searches" are good. But damn, they bring forth the dysphoria. It only highlights how far I have to come. And now that's its Summer, I have fewer people close by that I trust to help me combat it. I know I have to learn to push past it on my own, but... but sometimes its difficult. Sometimes even the strongest man needs a little boost. Needs a little help.

Meh. I really need to work on making thoughts more positive. This is really just getting me down.

Keeping my chin up.

Untitled

I can't sleep at night because I close my eyes and all I see is you.

I stay awake and all I can think about is you.

You walk in my dreams, you stalk the corners of my mind.

I want to sleep, but you're always there, waiting for me to close my eyes.

I try and stay awake, but you're still always there, waiting for my thoughts to drift.

I try and keep myself busy, but far too often its no use.

I am failing myself, and I am failing you.

Forgive me.

Summah-time

Summer.
I'm looking forward to you, but at the same time I'm fearing you.
You hold new opportunity. You hold fun.
You hold a new job. You hold classes.
If I can survive the next week, I should be ok.

I figure, once I move into my house, I can settle into the swing of things. I won't have to worry about trivial things in my life. I can focus on myself again rather than... i dunno. Rather than how I feel about certain people in my life.

I dunno. I mean I'm so excited about summer, but the isolation that comes with it tends to be a little depressing. However, this'll be the first summer i spend with a housemate (besides family) so that should be exciting. I imagine we'll be challenging each other to do stuff outside the home. And I plan on traveling a bit.

Bring it on summer.

Improvement

I think I'm ok with where our friendship, or whatever has taken us.

I enjoy being your friend, and I enjoy the other connection that we have.

and I've learned to separate it.

I appreciate you for all that you do.

I just wanted you to know that I'm going to be ok.

I've grown as a person over this last week.

and I wanted you to know, that I can do this now.

these days

I hate these days.

I swore to never give up hope, but there are some days when even I see myself as a woman. And thats a real problem right there. Because I should never see myself as anything but what I want to.

I used to look in the mirror and delight over every masculine quality I saw. Now I look in the mirror and all I can see is the excess breast tissue. The roundness in my face. The ass that doesn't belong on a male body. All I can see is the feminine.

I try so hard to present myself as male. To pass as a man. Its just difficult sometimes. Most times. Nearly all the time.

I have a fear that I won't find someone who can look past my lack of biological genitalia. Its irrational because tons of transguys are perfectly happy in relationships. Married even. But still. How am I supposed to find a woman who will see me as the man I present myself as, rather than the woman who's body I currently inhabit? I don't foresee any straight girl being comfortable enough with my (regretfully) female body to date me. I don't foresee any lesbian being comfortable enough with my male gender to date me. I'm not really sure how dating a bisexual woman would work out, but I guess I have qualities from both worlds, and I'm not sure they could be comfortable enough with the strange mix to date me.

I'm a "nice guy". Generally clean cut. I try to be a gentleman. Its weird because I wasn't so "clean cut" or "nice girl" as a woman. A lot of the things that made me attractive to the kind of people that I wanted to get don't quite fit into my "man personality". Its enough to send me spiraling into an identity crisis sometimes. My "whatever I had for a personality" was one of the things I liked about my female self. I really don't want to give that up. I like being a "nice guy" but, I'm not so sure if at the expense of this.

Identity crisis. Another thing I hate.

It usually stems from dysphoria. When I look in the mirror and I don't know who the heck I am. Every morning I wake up and I have to decide who I am.

Am I Kelly today or Jon? Do I have tits or pecs? Do I have a dick or not?

Honestly, its enough to drive anyone crazy. And it gets to me.

Because on the days that I am Jon (which is nearly every day), it doesn't change the fact that I still have female anatomy. I can hide them. I can wear baggy pants and bind my chest. But they do not go away. I still bleed for a week every month. When I go to bed at night, everything has to come off, and I go to bed a woman. and I wake up a woman.

In my mind, I am a man. But in body, I'm stuck in my biological form.

I hate it. Some mornings I want to take a knife to myself and cut it all off. Cut it all out. Clearly, I can rationalize that this is not a good idea, and I would never do that. But it doesn't change the fact that I want to. It scares me.

This hatred that I feel towards my biological body is frightening.

I can't wait until the day arrives where my undesired parts are gone. But at the same time, I can wait because things are moving so fast. That's another thing that scares me. How fast things are going now that I've set sail towards my ultimate destination of "man". My destination of Jon. I think this is why I'm dragging my heels. This is why I'm putting off my emails to find a therapist. Why I'm putting off seeking hormones even though this is what I want almost more than anything else in the world.

I want a beard. I want a flat chest, pecs and abs. I want... a dick like all the other guys. I want to be able to use it, to get hard, to get head just like any bio-guy. I want to be like any bio-guy. I want to be able to pick girls up at the club, to buy girls drinks, to get their number. I want to be able to take girls home and not have to worry about awkward explanations of why I look like a guy, but I'm missing certain essential male hardware.

I want someone who will look at me and say "he's hot" when I'm clothed and naked.

I want to look good in, and fill out a suit.

I want to be a man. Someone girls are proud to bring home and introduce to their parents.

I want something that's unattainable. That's the problem.

Thats a lie. It is attainable. It'll take some work. Some miracles. Some really special girl. But it could happen.

I'll keep my fingers crossed. and I'll keep you updated.

(just so you know, this was written straight out. No editing except for spelling and grammar mistakes. This is as real as it gets. Straight up how I feel. you're welcome)

Youth

My dad recently turned a bunch of VHS tapes that I got from my grandparents to DVDs. I finally got around to watching them today.

Seeing myself as a baby girl is so... weird. So strange to see myself in dresses and pink frilly things. Its almost like its not even really me. I recognize myself in as the child in the unisex onsies, but in the dresses... its like a stranger is standing in for me.

Even weirder is seeing my parents together. I cannot recall a time when they were together, I only have photos and now these videos. What a mindblowing thing to be sure.

Growing Up

There's a time in everyone's life where they realize that its time to grow up and bear some responsibility for their actions.
I think I hit that point today.
Not that I wasn't taking responsibility for my actions before, but I just realized that its time for me to grow up. Focus on life and moving forward rather than staying stagnant.
Its time to find some new friends who will help me with this quest, because I need to branch out a bit more.
I need to stop chasing, and start living MY life.

:D

Suddenly I'm feeling a lot better. Much better than I've felt in a long long time.

I know exactly why, and exactly who to thank. And I think she knows who she is.

I'm truly thankful that we're friends again. :D I'm glad she knows me so well and knows just what I need to hear (which is generally the straight up truth).

I'm too nice of a guy to get fucked over by life.

and as a wise person (whom I first met by the library, then again at a party) once told me, "have a good relationship with yourself. That's the most important thing. You can't hope for a relationship of any kind with someone else if you don't have a good relationship with yourself".

and I plan to.

Moving forward.

Its just Life

My goals for the next little while:

1. Guys bathrooms? need to get used to using them.

2. Just passing as a guy in general. Flat chest and making it look like I've got a dick ftw!

3. Continue to talk to my parents.

4. Talk to Ted about talking to people in Richmond

5. Heterosexual sex wtf? yeaaah.

interesting list... yes. TMI? probably. But.... hahahahahahaaha. Win.

Untitled

Sometimes I wish you realized that you were as beautiful as I think you are.
Sometimes I wish you realized that I don't want to jump your bones 24/7, I'm just becoming head over heels for you.
Sometimes I wish I could get over you, because I feel like you're getting over me.
I wish I wasn't so out of the loop. I'm just trying to be a gentleman. Because that's what you deserve.

Blah Day

I have a dream that I'll look like this someday....

Sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough to go through with this on my own.

Most days I think so, but there are those days when I'm not so sure.

Today is one of those days.

Some days I'm so excited and proactive, but other days I wonder if its worth all this effort. All this pain.

I'm reliving the difficulties of coming out. While in my circle of friends things are progressing nicely, things are stalled at the family end.

I'm excited that I may be seeing a therapist soon. So I can say with confidence, THIS is what's going on with my life. I hope that you can support me.

I'm a little depressed to not be able to have a shirtless summer yet. I can't wait for that day.

I also can't wait for the day my voice drops.

and the day when I shave for the first time.

But thinking about how far I have yet to go is a little daunting at times.

Sorry... its just been an off day.

Spring Break

Taking a break from the monotony of "trans" stuff.
After all, I'm in Utah for spring break. So for a week, I'm focusing on snowboarding.
I'm not going to stress about the little things. Like school, women, gender, sickness.
There is only me, my snowboard and some sick powder to shred.
The weather is predicting lots of snow. I can't wait.

Goals

Hey, its Jon again.

I'm setting some goals for myself.

1. Talk to my parents by the end of spring break.

1.5 Also, file my taxes by the end of spring break.

2. find a psychiatrist by summer.

3. +3 months after finding a psychiatrist, start taking hormones.

4. Be more confident about myself

5. Test drive my name being Jonathan in preparation for:

6. Start going by Jonathan at the beginning of fall semester 2010

7. Talk to my parents about getting a legal name/sex change (tbd)

8. double mastectomy (time on this is tbd, especially since this is a significant amount of $$)

9. Actually go through with the legal changes (sometime in the next 30 years?)

10. Finding someone to spend the rest of my life with, who'll accept me for my flaws, my changes, my oddness and my genetic shortcomings (this is questionable)

Amen...

Amen brother....

Two steps forward, one step back

It really upsets me that I've come so far along in this process, but I'm still oh so far. I'd thought that counseling would help, but in the wise words of one of my dearest friends "you were like, sistah can you lend me a cork for my sinking boat, and they were like, honey... so sorry but all we can do is bail you out a bucketful." I need a long term fix. I'm sick of my short term fixes getting me nowhere. I mean, I feel so great about myself, but at the end of the day, I still get a "have a good one ma'am/ladies". I hate to "hate", but I'm getting screwed over by the "androgynous lesbians" out there. People tend to see an androgynous person dressed in guy clothes and think "dyke". Sorry, but no. I dress in guy clothes, bind my chest, go to a HECK of a lot of work to look like a guy, BECAUSE I want to be see as such. Its discouraging that the world doesn't quite work like that.

I think I need more scruff. More edges. Even though I'm off of birth control, my face is too round to be naturally "male". It provides just enough of that androgynous look to make me vaguely female. But I can't get scruff until I buck up and talk to the 'rents. Go see a psychiatrist. Figure out the getting hormones thing. Its a lot to put on my plate.

I spend so much time worrying about this that I fear it'll start to affect my schoolwork. I'm already wasting time blogging about this when I need to write a history paper.

Bah. Two steps forward, one step back.

Test

So I'm trying something out here.

In order to keep my trans-posts separate from my well... for lack of a better term, non-trans-posts, I've created a separate identity.

Same person, different name. In fact, the name I'll have when I get around to changing the my gender. Eventually. Just to clarify the confusion.

Bear with me for the change. :D

[no title]

Has it really been a year already?
It seems like yesterday that I got the phone call.
It seems like yesterday that i was scrambling, trying to find a way back home.
I miss you Ryan.
You give me so much inspiration.

Forward?

Its time to move forward.
I know I'm starting to pass when guys are hitting on me.
That sounds weird, but guys never really looked twice when I was a girl. And now that I'm presenting as a male, I'm starting to get looks. A lot of "bro" looks. Sizing me up. Its feels... right.
Its the sign I've been looking for. The sign that things ARE actually going to be ok. I am on the path thats going to lead to where/who I want to be. I hope.
I'm moving forward.

Thoughts

One week a month is 30% of the reason why I want to leave womanhood behind. Nothing like a little visit from Auntie Flo for my body to remind me that I can pretend all I want, but I'm still a woman.
I go back and forth about taking the plunge towards hormones and surgery. Some days I'm so ready to go for it, other days I wonder if its worth it. Wonder if I'll be happy.
I'm torn. Torn because I'm not satisfied with myself as a woman. I've hardly ever seen myself as such. I look in the mirror every morning and become sad. I've got these intense cross-gender feelings, but I don't know if people close to me are ready to accept it. Torn because there is a woman in my life who appreciates me for the individual that I am. I'm not sure if I can take that away from her.
But when it comes down to it, the only person who's really standing in the way of forward progression is me.
I get these intense anxiety attacks because I'm not sure where i fit in, if I fit in, to the gender binary. Its stressful. All I want is to know where I can stand firmly in the scheme of things. I want the outside to match the inside.
I'm losing my identity. As I move further and further away from being simply "gay" and towards a "not still a woman, not quite a man who likes women" I grow uncertain. Can you blame me for wanting to stay with something that's be so solid, so obvious in my life for so long, even though it pains me? It honestly scares the heck out of me.

Its akin to being out at sea in a leaking boat. I have enough time to row back to where I came from, or to row to this new island of identity before I capsize and drown. But I can't wait too long to decide, or my boat will fill with water, and I'll drown. I know that I can't survive in this state of "half-way". But I'm scared to move forward. Yet I know if I row back to those familiar shores, I'll have lost all momentum and it will take some time before another sailing vessel is prepared and I can journey forth once more if I chose.

I feel like I'm at a crossroads here. I have no idea which way to go. I tried seeking unbiased help, but it didn't get me far. All it proved is that I was in the boat. and that I had no clue where I was going in it, just that I was floating around, away from my "home" or rather my identity.
I think, perhaps I'll give it time to work itself out. I'll go back to get help if I feel that I need it. But I'm going to forge on ahead, because I don't want to go back. I wasn't fully satisfied with myself there. But I am more satisfied with where I am now, and I feel that if I continue forward I'll get more satisfied. I'll lose this sense of dysphoria. I'll get to the point where I can say with firm conviction that I am not afraid anymore. Maybe, just maybe I have a chance of becoming "whole" once more.

Late Nights

Let me first off state that I have no clue why I am coherent right now. Its 530 in the morning and I've maybe gotten an hour's worth of sleep all night.
This lack of sleep inevitably leads to emotional trauma which furthers my inability to sleep.
On any other morning, I'd be waking up in an hour and a half to go snowboarding. I'm still planning to do such. I probably won't get to sleep until after midnight tonight, thanks to work. This is going to make for one hell of a day. At least I won't be working in such a stressful situation tonight. But I'm not quite sure where I'm going to get the strength from to keep going.
I'm losing focus.
I'm losing heart.
Its definitely time to be headed back to something solid. Like college. I need that structure back in my life.
This... whatever this is, is somehow getting me down. Into a rut. Once, I used to be able to get out of this rut. But years have worn it so deep that I begin to question whether I'll be able to get out this time. I fear that someday, I won't. And I'll be stuck in my stupid sea of turmoil. In my slowly sinking boat.

But its all so stupid. Because there isn't really a rut. I won't get stuck in any seas. and there certainly isn't a sinking boat.
Its all wrapped up in the world of "might-have-been".