Lets see here. Today, is July 29th, 2010. I'm 20 years, 1 month, and 1 day old, which is a huge deal for me because there were many point in time where I wasn't sure I'd make it this far. Not entirely through my own fault, but I always thought I'd die young. Apparently there's hope for me yet, and I'm probably going to grow up to be a grumpy old man someday. But the point is, every day for me is a gift. Especially as of late.
These past 16 days (since I started seeing my therapist) have been some of the roughest days I've experienced. Its been one hell of an emotional roller coaster. On one hand, I'm very excited to be starting my transition journey. Its so unreal that its actually happening, and that I'll be starting T in a little over 2 months. But on the other hand, 2 months is a long time. Some mornings its an absolute struggle to get out of bed. Some mornings I feel so hopeless, because my dysphoria kicks in and I sink into a downward spiral of depression. Its the scariest thing. I get so lethargic, I have to force myself to get out of bed/off the couch and eat not because I'm lazy, but because sometimes I feel that there's no point in eating. I have to force myself to shower, because I can't stand to see my naked body and I won't do it otherwise. Usually I sleep just in boxers, but on those days that are full of dysphoria I sleep in my binder too, which is ridiculously unsafe. But I can't stand the feel of bare chest. I sleep wearing my packer too on these days/nights because its comforting. Usually I take it off to sleep so that it's not unnecessarily worn down.
There is so much hope, yet I'm fighting a thousand inner battles. I'm so thankful every day that I have such a powerful support network. I don't even want to think about where I'd be without all of you. Even those of you who support from the shadows. So thank you. All of you. You give me the strength to carry on.
1 comment:
starting therapy for any reason can be an emotionally tough start at first, when you're weeding out your real feelings and having to deal with head on, and thinking about the feelings you'll have later for any transition period is difficult. Don't get down on yourself for not being in the best of moods-you're not really supposed to be. Not yet, but you will. You just have to go through the nitty gritty of it all first before you get there, so be proud of yourself that you're weathering the storm , so to speak, and remember that it does get better and easier over time.
Also, what you're going through with not being able to stand your body is normal/necessary for the transition and kind of automatic. It's really common, actually-really uncomfortable , but it's all part of preparing for what's to come. Consider it your whole system getting ready. It can't do that until it comes to terms with losing and changing what it has, and being rid of it. Sometimes that happens through hating it, sometimes that's the only way it can happen. Try to embrace/allow yourself to feel whatever it is as it being exactly what you're supposed to feel, and the process will go smoother. You can also try different things to see if it makes it easier on you, like -- talk to your body even and tell it it's okay to be what it is now and that when it changes that will be okay.
It's important to make sure you are working towards innerly accepting yourself during this, through each stage, as if that's where you want to end up-emotionally.
You can do it!
We're rootin for ya.
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