Thoughts

One week a month is 30% of the reason why I want to leave womanhood behind. Nothing like a little visit from Auntie Flo for my body to remind me that I can pretend all I want, but I'm still a woman.
I go back and forth about taking the plunge towards hormones and surgery. Some days I'm so ready to go for it, other days I wonder if its worth it. Wonder if I'll be happy.
I'm torn. Torn because I'm not satisfied with myself as a woman. I've hardly ever seen myself as such. I look in the mirror every morning and become sad. I've got these intense cross-gender feelings, but I don't know if people close to me are ready to accept it. Torn because there is a woman in my life who appreciates me for the individual that I am. I'm not sure if I can take that away from her.
But when it comes down to it, the only person who's really standing in the way of forward progression is me.
I get these intense anxiety attacks because I'm not sure where i fit in, if I fit in, to the gender binary. Its stressful. All I want is to know where I can stand firmly in the scheme of things. I want the outside to match the inside.
I'm losing my identity. As I move further and further away from being simply "gay" and towards a "not still a woman, not quite a man who likes women" I grow uncertain. Can you blame me for wanting to stay with something that's be so solid, so obvious in my life for so long, even though it pains me? It honestly scares the heck out of me.

Its akin to being out at sea in a leaking boat. I have enough time to row back to where I came from, or to row to this new island of identity before I capsize and drown. But I can't wait too long to decide, or my boat will fill with water, and I'll drown. I know that I can't survive in this state of "half-way". But I'm scared to move forward. Yet I know if I row back to those familiar shores, I'll have lost all momentum and it will take some time before another sailing vessel is prepared and I can journey forth once more if I chose.

I feel like I'm at a crossroads here. I have no idea which way to go. I tried seeking unbiased help, but it didn't get me far. All it proved is that I was in the boat. and that I had no clue where I was going in it, just that I was floating around, away from my "home" or rather my identity.
I think, perhaps I'll give it time to work itself out. I'll go back to get help if I feel that I need it. But I'm going to forge on ahead, because I don't want to go back. I wasn't fully satisfied with myself there. But I am more satisfied with where I am now, and I feel that if I continue forward I'll get more satisfied. I'll lose this sense of dysphoria. I'll get to the point where I can say with firm conviction that I am not afraid anymore. Maybe, just maybe I have a chance of becoming "whole" once more.