Lying

I hate having to lie. Yet I do it nearly every day. Whether its to the stranger or family member asking about the man in my life, or the close friend asking what's wrong. Its in my nature to be a closed book. Letting someone in... divulging my secrets... that's a scary thought.
I don't know who I'm kidding. No one close to me truly cares. I could be freer with how I feel.

All this just seems kind of pointless now.
But is it wrong to fear that I'll never get another woman if I transition? Is it wrong to put it all off because I want to hold onto the happiness that I have now? I'm so confused, and I'm trying to weigh everything the best I can.

??

There are a million other things I could be doing right now. And still, I'm sitting at my laptop trying to organise my thoughts enough to post a new blog. I have no clue why. This blog operates on a need basis. Its here when I need it, and I forget about it when I don't. Its funny how it works like that.
But I don't need my blog right now. I'm happier than I've been in a while. More at peace with myself than I ever could have dreamed. I think I'm just compelled to write.

It occurred to me that I haven't sat down to write in a long while. Perhaps that's what's drawn me back.
This is going to be a short blog update. I'm sure I'll be back again before I leave for university.

Idle

Its not that I've been neglecting my blog. More that... the lull and pull of life has just gotten so strong that I've been forced back into reality. Its kind of funny actually, the way that life tends to work out. Priorities constantly shift. You get hung up on things as they enter and leave your life. Life gets complicated, but thats ok so long as you never lie to yourself and hold true to the things that matter most.
I feel like this past semester I've learned more about myself than I ever expected to. Some of it made me happy, some of it did not. Most of it was confusing as heck. But would I change any of it? No. I wouldn't. Because those tough moments are the ones that define me.

Bah, I have nothing else to write. Totally lost my train of thought.

Some Realizations

I did some serious thinking today and realized some things. I'm legitimately on my way to becoming seriously religious. Bear with me, 'cause this is kind of a new concept for me. After all, I've only spent nearly a decade and a half of my life swearing that I was about as devoutly unreligious as one could possibly ever be.

But anyways, after I left talking to someone with an unbiased opinion about the difficulties in my life, I ran into my friend Paul. As always, he had a smile on his face and a hug ready for the emotionally drained me. He's the kind of person who will listen to anything with an open mind, and try his hardest to make you feel better. Then he asked if he could pray for me. I was honestly touched that he'd offered. These kind of moments are few and far between. So I said, absolutely, and he did. The things he said while he was praying for me were probably some of the nicest and heartfelt things that anyone has said to me in a long long time.

It made me realize, that through faith, all things are possible. But sometimes even He needs help. He needed me to begin to help myself in order for He to begin to work his wonders.

Now that I have begun to help myself, I feel so much better. Its like a huge burden has just begun to lift off my shoulders. I know that I can face the world now, because I've got my faith and my friends on my side. And that makes the world that much brighter.

Regardless of how soon I make the physical changes to my life, I know now that I can. Regardless of whether I choose to walk the Earth as His son or daughter, I know that it makes no difference in His eyes. and honestly, that's given me the courage and the stability to go on with my life, moving ever forward.

To my friends, thank you thank you THANK YOU for always being there. For being ever supportive. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate you. If I even tried, I'd never end. I know I'm kind of an egotistical jerk at times, and I'm trying to fix that and be a better person over all. I just wanted to really recognize all of you for your profound and unique effects on my life. <3>

Names

One of the reasons I never want to be a parent is having to come up with baby names. Don't get me wrong, I was like almost every other little girl in the fact that I obsessed over what I was going to name my children. They were cute, adorable little names like Dante and Andrea.

But now I'm stuck with the task of naming myself, and I'm in a funk. I don't know where to start. Do I go for the uber-masculine or the suave? Do I go for the standard Charles, or the obscure Nikolai? Do I keep my middle name, or go for a new one? How do I feel about becoming an Ethan, an Aiden, a Theo or a Demitri?

One thing I do know is that when I go for the change, I'm getting rid of my female name. To create some distinction. Distinction between the girl I was born as, and the man that I hope to become.

I'm sure whatever decision I make will be a good one. I do know that I tend to take things like this slow, and think about them obsessively. I've had a Word document on my desktop for about 6 months where I've been adding, starring and crossing off various names. I feel that I'm hardly any closer than I was when I began sometimes, but I know that every day, I get a little closer, and when I finally find the right name, I'll know.

I'm not scared anymore though. This is something I'm certain of. I'm emerging from my shell, and I'm going to talk about it. Now if only I can finish that email...

Trippy Dreams

So apparently taking antihistamines before going to sleep makes me have trippy dreams and delayed stages of wakefulness.

I think I had the same dream cycle ten times last night. I also don't think I knew anyone in my dream. When I woke up (on my own mind you, no help from my alarm), I couldn't figure out who I was, where I was, and why I was so far off the ground (I have a loft bed). I'm pretty sure I almost fell out of bed in a panic.

But if I don't take decongestants/anti-allergy medications made specifically for night, I can't sleep.

I strongly dislike getting ill.

Growing Stronger

Right now, I'm chilling in the Airport Lounge (in the practically EMPTY airport lounge, which is practically unheard of) trying to catch up on my calculus. Jamming to Taylor Swift. No lie. I'm definitely on a Taylor kick. :D It makes me happy.

I'm on a quest to heal myself. Gotta pull the arrows out of my chest you know? Metaphorical arrows of course.

I've made some pretty serious vows, and I plan to stand by them.

and you know what? I'm over this. I'm over pretending that I'm just going to sit passively and let this stuff wash over me, wear me down. I'm going to live, and there is nothing you can do about it. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to break down these walls, and walk away from all of this. Because some things that used to matter to me, just don't anymore. But the things that do matter... I'm not going to be silent about them anymore. I can't just stand by.

Because I'm going to be a stronger person. in all aspects.

Out.

A month or so ago, I posted about something that is not only very important to me, but also very relevant to where I am in my life. I talked about how I'm not the person that I wake up as. I was intentionally vague, because it was (and still is) something that greatly scares me and makes me very insecure.

And yet I'm making great progress, great strides towards making that change. Every day, I take one step closer to waking up and being the person I truly am.

I'm trusting my friends to stay with me, because in this time I need all the true friends I can get. It was hard enough to come out once, and I'm thrust into the nightmare of trying to come out again.

Paths?

Sometimes it takes a little change to open things up. Something that pulls you clear of the monotony. A new house, a new friend, a new haircut. A new hair color. Something that tells you "I can do this. I made this change, I can make another. I made this sacrifice, what's one more going to hurt?"

My eyes are open and clear now. There shall be no more obstruction.

Heck, I'm stepping forth into the world as a blonde this week. Maybe I can admit to more things in due time. I've taken the first step, and I don't think I'm going to stumble this time.

The Eve of an Era

ok.. maybe "era" is a strong word. But its almost fitting.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow begins a new stage in life. A new semester in college. a beginning of something that's hopefully better than what's been left behind.

I'm not going to lie. I'm excited. I've made a lot of progress over the last couple months and found out a lot of relevant things. I think I know the path that I need to be taking. Sure, it's going to be rough, and I'll probably stray from it occasionally. But at least i know the way, and if I get lost, I'll always find my way back.

and I know I've got some amazing people who've always got my back. Who'll help me keep moving forward, and not looking back.

With the future in sight, how can I fail?

Missing You

I'm reduced to quoting song lyrics as of late. Its almost depressing. no, I lie. It IS depressing haha. But hey, I miss my friends back in the ATX, so i'm in a Goo mood. That is, a Goo Goo Dolls mood. *le sigh*

Mainly, an "Iris" mood. Btw. BEST SONG EVARRRR. <-yes, I just went there. It made "City of Angels" so worth it. And Johnny Rzeznik is so hot. <- yes. I went there too. 'cept he's more like, yeah-i-want-to-look-like-him hot. But that's ok.

but srsly. "Iris" is awesome, even if its so very sad.

but hey, if I'm not listening to Dave Mustaine and Lars Ulrich (and Steve Harris, can't forget him), Johnny Rzeznik is pretty cool.

Seeing how it does remind me a lot of ATX, this is a good thing. I feel guilty about not visiting this summer. I'm upset that things didn't work out.

Ya'll have been on my mind all summer. I know ya'll aren't reading this, but I just thought I'd get it out in the open. Maybe I'll see you over holidays? Or next summer.

Cause I know ATX has been missing me.

Filming

It's been a lifelong dream for me to write and shoot a short film during my life.

Practically every summer I tell myself that this is the one. I'll finally start filming. I've even gone so far as to write scripts. So far as to start filming. But inevitably, things come up and I abandon my task.

And yet.

Yet I struggle onwards, going through the same cycle ever summer.

But HA, this... year will be different. I'll complete the film. I'm not even sure what its all about yet, but I'm determined.

And determination is key.

Change and Summer

So... summer's pretty emo-tastic. Not necessarily in a bad way, but its just this solid block of time where one thinks too much about... well everything.

I wrote a bunch of random crap at work today, so I'll copy and paste it from Word.

I am afraid of change. Just like I am afraid of the unknown. Sometimes the two are one and the same, sometimes change is just reverting back to what once w as.

It’s a silly thing, living in fear. But it blocks me from doing a lot of things in life that I ought to.

I don’t fear all change, just… Change. Not the individual stuff, but the inevitability.

But fearing inevitability is difficult when you vow to have no regrets. Sometimes, I feel that living with no regrets is a pipe dream. I guess it comes from the theory that if you live each day, each moment as your last, you’ll never regret anything. But still I try.

[Insert crap that no one can read cause its too personal. Basically stuff about my recent regrets that I can't help]

and now for my emo-tastic poem.

"Falling"

Smashed into a million pieces

Gravity has taken its toll

Seemingly innocent at first

The insanity started with a jump

A leap of faith perhaps

Trying to trust again

But knowing deep down

This was futile from the first

Hands clasped so tight

Reminiscent of skydivers

Wind warping faces

Into clown smiles

Mid-air acrobatics

Flipping, whirling in free fall

Ever aware of altitude

Yet the end is still far off

Checking watches

Checking height

The joy rapidly slowing

As the ground rushes near

Cocksure smiles apiece

Ready to pull the cord

But one chute is not packed right

And one cannot carry two

Drag pulls one up

As the colored chute deploys

The other, a victim

of perishing in free fall

Waking Up

When I wake up in the morning, I am completely myself for fifteen minutes.

That's how long it takes me to roll out of bed, check my email and gather clothes for a shower. Then I look in the bathroom mirror and the illusion is shattered.

After that, I'm just the girl in the mirror, not the person I woke up as.

Maybe some day I'll wake up, roll out of bed, check my email and head to the shower only to look in the mirror and see the person that I wake up as.

but that endeavor could take a lifetime.

Trips

yay for trips to visit friends!!

Woooo!!!

yay for trips to visit awkward friends. :)

The end!

Fundamentals

In an effort to better understand one's self, it is always a good idea to embark first on a journey of introspection.

Introspection is the self-observation and reporting of conscious inner thoughts, desires and sensations. It is a conscious mental and usually purposive process relying on thinking, reasoning, and examining one's own thoughts, feelings, and, in more spiritual cases, one's soul.

The real struggle lies in where the introspection starts.

Sometimes, it starts with a journal. A journal that a 2nd grade teacher asks the class to keep. No one is really sure why they must keep a journal, but who is going to argue with the teacher. Trivial things go into those pages, but the mind of a 7-year old is only so organized.

But the action of pencil to paper is soothing, and emotions are poured out onto the page. Something there just clicks. The ability to watch yourself grow and develop is born. Half a dozen 80-page spirals are bought for school the following year, and one of them never makes it to school. It hides in a desk drawer, consuming inner-most thoughts and emotions. No one can read it, even though it documents things along the lines of playing GI Joes with neighbors.

But the years flutter by and the notebooks become filled with more emotions than thoughts. Documentations of how you feel about schoolmates. First loves. First fights. First... well you know...

All the while, filed away in the bottom of a drawer.

Hitting teenage years, its the only place where one can truly be themselves, without fear of the scorn of peers. A sort of alternate-self is formed. Boundaries are blurred, possibly crossed, and you lose track of what is real. Who are you really? The face you show the world, or the face that is trapped in the pages of a bound floral print book. You certainly can't be both. Or can you? Are you doomed to be one of them at all? Neither are fit to be fully accepted by society.

Humorist by day, deep thinker by night. Perhaps something darker in between. These are the three faces. All are relevant, important to identity. Giving one up would be madness.

Its all a matter of understanding oneself. Its a fundamental part of the way I function. If I lose sight of that, then I lose sight of my path in life. Everyone has a part of themselves that can never be exposed. Its the beauty of human nature.

Everyone must have a part that is locked away. In the mind, on paper, on a hard drive.

Hard copy reminders of who we once were are a good way to document progression. I keep my journals to see how my writing has changes, and how my mind has changed. Things I once valued have changed into almost trivial things. Things I once took for granted are now valued highly.

And some things never change.

But it would be sacrificing a part of me that is not fit to be exposed to say what never changes. Yes, it is things of those nature.

And I keep on plodding along.

[May be subject to future editing]

Winning fights

Winning is all about moving on. On from what, I'm not sure.
or at least that's what they want you to believe.
A different school of thought tells you that winning means utterly dominating your opponent. Forcing them into submission. Pummeling them until they do not get up again.
Maybe its just me, but that sounds a little... harsh.
I suppose it depends on what you are attempting to win.

What's up with the Glock? Its representative of the second school of thought. What best to represent violent closure than a smoking handgun.

I'm not quite sure what I'm attempting to "win" but I know that no amount of pummeling will help.
This isn't Fight Club.

Playing Games

Nobody likes folks who play games with their minds.

Just like God doesn't play dice, neither should Man.

Terry Pratchett sums up the God-Dice phenomena best.

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
Terry Pratchett, "Good Omens"

And it is true.  

If God doesn't do it, then what right do we have?

No right at all.

And yet.  People play games with others every day.  I'm not talking about your Friday night poker games, or Family Game Night.  I'm talking about games where souls are gambled and in an instant you can become nothing.  Or you can become great.

I'm talking about people who play games with other's souls.  Who would have the gall to take from others that which is not theirs to give up.  

When you lose this kind of dangerous game, you are left with nothing.  Left as nothing.  With time you can regain it, but the winner forever holds a piece of you in thrall.

Forever.

Who wants to lose a piece of themselves forever?

Not I.

And so I'll keep myself for myself.   And not play this dangerous game with others.

I don't play dice with my life and my wellness.

Despair

Perhaps despair is too strong of a word.   But in the throes of my sorrow, it is what seems most fitting.

I have lost what I deemed valuable.  Wouldn't you feel despaired if you had too?

Everyone goes through loss in their lives.  

Loss of childhood, loss of parents, loss of innocence, loss of their partner.  Loss.  While it makes us stronger as people, it sure as hell hurts in the moment.   And it is getting over that moment that is the hardest part.  It is a tiresome trek.  A trek without a seeming end in sight.  

There's building back up of walls.  A sense of growing cold and distant from those who care.  They don't understand why you feel so vulnerable.  and yet, you do.  and you don't know how to stop it.

Because all you want to do is let them in again.  But at the same time, you don't trust them not to break you into a thousand tiny pieces, sinking into the floor.

Neglect

Once again, I have neglected my blog.

I suppose, as college classes give me more and more homework, I seem to have less and less time for the things that I enjoy in life.  Relationships, healthy amounts of exercise, writing.  You know the drill.  It is in the wee hours of the night when at last I can set aside my toils and partake in that which I love.

I am not sure where my journey shall take me now.  But this I do know.  The road that I travel is not tread by many others.  It is my destiny in life to pave new roads for others to follow.  I shall do my best to make these roads firm and safe for those who follow.

Difficulties

Life is a difficult, cruel existence.  It makes absolutely no sense.  And yet, we trudge through it, wallowing through the bogs and potholes that it creates.  And we are happy about it.

Why so?

Why are we so content to exist in this netherworld which inevitably rejects its own?

I am still attempting to fathom this.