Savings

I officially have $4.76 saved towards hormones/surgery. While this might not seem like a lot, all savings have to start somewhere. I just dumped my spare change into a jar and labeled it Hormones Savings. Its a great feeling, knowing that I'm starting to save up. When I have a job again, a little bit of every paycheck will go towards saving up for surgery.

Its coming...

About a month ago I ordered an STP device. So that... you know... I could pee standing up. In a urinal. Like all the other guys. Because I got to the point where I was (and still am) ridiculously uncomfortable using public bathrooms. Because I don't fit into either. I'm a man, so I don't belong in a woman's restroom. But I can't pee standing up, and I felt awkward using men's restrooms.

And I waited. Because the guys I order from custom make the devices. and today I finally got an email back from them that said my order was going to ship FRIDAY. That means it'll be here next week. Then I can start practising using it. and then I'll be able to pee in public again.

I'll take pictures when it gets here.

Awake

This morning I woke up feeling great. I felt refreshed, I felt awake and I felt like me.

Looking in the mirror, I could see past the female flaws in my body and love myself for who I am underneath it all.

Slowly, day by day, I am am learning to love myself again.

I'm not sure what else to write about today, but for now this is enough.

effff

Its weird, because I was so happy, so excited yesterday and now I'm not.

Today, I was supposed to wander around downtown and look for a therapist. I was so excited, because this afternoon is essentially an "afternoon off".

But yesterday Auntie Flo came knocking and I'm too meh to leave the house. I can't leave the house to look for someone to diagnose me with GID when I feel too depressed, too icky, too feminine to get out of bed. Dear body, thanks for reminding me that I'm a biological female when I need it the least.

I'm just in a state of sulk, because my moobs hurt, my ovaries hurt and I feel bloated and tired. and if I tried to talk to any psychiatrists, I'd probably burst into tears.

I hate feeling female. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Days like this make me wish I had a girlfriend to tell me that it was going to be ok, and I'm still an attractive man no matter what. I need reassurance and comfort. :/

but instead I have to rely on myself because I can't continually burden my friends with this. It just wouldn't be right.

Pride

I just got back from an exhausting weekend at Capitol Pride. I gotta say, I'm very proud to be an (ish) out and active member of the LGBT community. Getting to go to events that bring the community together is just plain awesome.

Being "out" at these events as a transman is even more awesome. I love getting to spend entire weekends being Jon. Where EVERYONE there calls me Jon. Where the Starbucks guy writes Jon down on my cup without a second thought.

It gives me a lot of hope.

Sunshine

today i realized that for the past month (save the several hours spent with my father), I've been (and thought of myself) as Jonathan. Now if only my non-college life could catch up. I hated being a closet homosexual, and i hate being a closet transman even more.

to be honest i hate lying to my parents about important stuff like this.

i just want to scream, yes! yes i'm content having intimate relationships with women. i'm just not content BEING a woman.

My name is Jonathan, and i am your SON.

But every time i go to open my mouth about it, nothing comes out.

on a different note, today i'm out and about in a sports bra (rather than my binder), and for the first time in 3 months i'm not packing. Talk about emptiness. i dont feel like me. I mean, no shit... Jon doesn't go out with tits and without his dick.

ahhhh this was supposed to be a happy blog. dammit be happy Jon!

Broken

Hey, Jon here again.

This is going to be a short blog cuz I broke my arm in a bicycle accident so I'm typing one handed.

unfortunetely my broken arm means that i can only wear loose fitting clothes. meaning no binder. aka, i have boobs until i can easily take my binder on and off again.

im depressed about this.

6-8 weeks of cast + looking like a girl. i dont like it.