Some Realizations

I did some serious thinking today and realized some things. I'm legitimately on my way to becoming seriously religious. Bear with me, 'cause this is kind of a new concept for me. After all, I've only spent nearly a decade and a half of my life swearing that I was about as devoutly unreligious as one could possibly ever be.

But anyways, after I left talking to someone with an unbiased opinion about the difficulties in my life, I ran into my friend Paul. As always, he had a smile on his face and a hug ready for the emotionally drained me. He's the kind of person who will listen to anything with an open mind, and try his hardest to make you feel better. Then he asked if he could pray for me. I was honestly touched that he'd offered. These kind of moments are few and far between. So I said, absolutely, and he did. The things he said while he was praying for me were probably some of the nicest and heartfelt things that anyone has said to me in a long long time.

It made me realize, that through faith, all things are possible. But sometimes even He needs help. He needed me to begin to help myself in order for He to begin to work his wonders.

Now that I have begun to help myself, I feel so much better. Its like a huge burden has just begun to lift off my shoulders. I know that I can face the world now, because I've got my faith and my friends on my side. And that makes the world that much brighter.

Regardless of how soon I make the physical changes to my life, I know now that I can. Regardless of whether I choose to walk the Earth as His son or daughter, I know that it makes no difference in His eyes. and honestly, that's given me the courage and the stability to go on with my life, moving ever forward.

To my friends, thank you thank you THANK YOU for always being there. For being ever supportive. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate you. If I even tried, I'd never end. I know I'm kind of an egotistical jerk at times, and I'm trying to fix that and be a better person over all. I just wanted to really recognize all of you for your profound and unique effects on my life. <3>

Names

One of the reasons I never want to be a parent is having to come up with baby names. Don't get me wrong, I was like almost every other little girl in the fact that I obsessed over what I was going to name my children. They were cute, adorable little names like Dante and Andrea.

But now I'm stuck with the task of naming myself, and I'm in a funk. I don't know where to start. Do I go for the uber-masculine or the suave? Do I go for the standard Charles, or the obscure Nikolai? Do I keep my middle name, or go for a new one? How do I feel about becoming an Ethan, an Aiden, a Theo or a Demitri?

One thing I do know is that when I go for the change, I'm getting rid of my female name. To create some distinction. Distinction between the girl I was born as, and the man that I hope to become.

I'm sure whatever decision I make will be a good one. I do know that I tend to take things like this slow, and think about them obsessively. I've had a Word document on my desktop for about 6 months where I've been adding, starring and crossing off various names. I feel that I'm hardly any closer than I was when I began sometimes, but I know that every day, I get a little closer, and when I finally find the right name, I'll know.

I'm not scared anymore though. This is something I'm certain of. I'm emerging from my shell, and I'm going to talk about it. Now if only I can finish that email...

Trippy Dreams

So apparently taking antihistamines before going to sleep makes me have trippy dreams and delayed stages of wakefulness.

I think I had the same dream cycle ten times last night. I also don't think I knew anyone in my dream. When I woke up (on my own mind you, no help from my alarm), I couldn't figure out who I was, where I was, and why I was so far off the ground (I have a loft bed). I'm pretty sure I almost fell out of bed in a panic.

But if I don't take decongestants/anti-allergy medications made specifically for night, I can't sleep.

I strongly dislike getting ill.