Lets see here. Today, is July 29th, 2010. I'm 20 years, 1 month, and 1 day old, which is a huge deal for me because there were many point in time where I wasn't sure I'd make it this far. Not entirely through my own fault, but I always thought I'd die young. Apparently there's hope for me yet, and I'm probably going to grow up to be a grumpy old man someday. But the point is, every day for me is a gift. Especially as of late.
These past 16 days (since I started seeing my therapist) have been some of the roughest days I've experienced. Its been one hell of an emotional roller coaster. On one hand, I'm very excited to be starting my transition journey. Its so unreal that its actually happening, and that I'll be starting T in a little over 2 months. But on the other hand, 2 months is a long time. Some mornings its an absolute struggle to get out of bed. Some mornings I feel so hopeless, because my dysphoria kicks in and I sink into a downward spiral of depression. Its the scariest thing. I get so lethargic, I have to force myself to get out of bed/off the couch and eat not because I'm lazy, but because sometimes I feel that there's no point in eating. I have to force myself to shower, because I can't stand to see my naked body and I won't do it otherwise. Usually I sleep just in boxers, but on those days that are full of dysphoria I sleep in my binder too, which is ridiculously unsafe. But I can't stand the feel of bare chest. I sleep wearing my packer too on these days/nights because its comforting. Usually I take it off to sleep so that it's not unnecessarily worn down.
There is so much hope, yet I'm fighting a thousand inner battles. I'm so thankful every day that I have such a powerful support network. I don't even want to think about where I'd be without all of you. Even those of you who support from the shadows. So thank you. All of you. You give me the strength to carry on.
