The strength to carry on

Just when I'm about to give up and lessen blogging for a bit, I'm reminded that I still have viewers. People who read my blog. Thank you. Even though I mainly blog for myself, it means the world to me that people actually take time out of their day to read about my life and troubles.

Lets see here. Today, is July 29th, 2010. I'm 20 years, 1 month, and 1 day old, which is a huge deal for me because there were many point in time where I wasn't sure I'd make it this far. Not entirely through my own fault, but I always thought I'd die young. Apparently there's hope for me yet, and I'm probably going to grow up to be a grumpy old man someday. But the point is, every day for me is a gift. Especially as of late.

These past 16 days (since I started seeing my therapist) have been some of the roughest days I've experienced. Its been one hell of an emotional roller coaster. On one hand, I'm very excited to be starting my transition journey. Its so unreal that its actually happening, and that I'll be starting T in a little over 2 months. But on the other hand, 2 months is a long time. Some mornings its an absolute struggle to get out of bed. Some mornings I feel so hopeless, because my dysphoria kicks in and I sink into a downward spiral of depression. Its the scariest thing. I get so lethargic, I have to force myself to get out of bed/off the couch and eat not because I'm lazy, but because sometimes I feel that there's no point in eating. I have to force myself to shower, because I can't stand to see my naked body and I won't do it otherwise. Usually I sleep just in boxers, but on those days that are full of dysphoria I sleep in my binder too, which is ridiculously unsafe. But I can't stand the feel of bare chest. I sleep wearing my packer too on these days/nights because its comforting. Usually I take it off to sleep so that it's not unnecessarily worn down.

There is so much hope, yet I'm fighting a thousand inner battles. I'm so thankful every day that I have such a powerful support network. I don't even want to think about where I'd be without all of you. Even those of you who support from the shadows. So thank you. All of you. You give me the strength to carry on.

Therapy

My grand adventure into the world of therapy has begun. One week down, and either 11 weeks or 10 sessions to go until I can start taking testosterone. I'm really really excited, but at the same tim I'm nervous. in less than three months a lot of changes will be happening to me. Its going to be a fantastic, yet scary time.

Thank goodness I have such a solid support group.

Savings

I officially have $4.76 saved towards hormones/surgery. While this might not seem like a lot, all savings have to start somewhere. I just dumped my spare change into a jar and labeled it Hormones Savings. Its a great feeling, knowing that I'm starting to save up. When I have a job again, a little bit of every paycheck will go towards saving up for surgery.

Its coming...

About a month ago I ordered an STP device. So that... you know... I could pee standing up. In a urinal. Like all the other guys. Because I got to the point where I was (and still am) ridiculously uncomfortable using public bathrooms. Because I don't fit into either. I'm a man, so I don't belong in a woman's restroom. But I can't pee standing up, and I felt awkward using men's restrooms.

And I waited. Because the guys I order from custom make the devices. and today I finally got an email back from them that said my order was going to ship FRIDAY. That means it'll be here next week. Then I can start practising using it. and then I'll be able to pee in public again.

I'll take pictures when it gets here.

Awake

This morning I woke up feeling great. I felt refreshed, I felt awake and I felt like me.

Looking in the mirror, I could see past the female flaws in my body and love myself for who I am underneath it all.

Slowly, day by day, I am am learning to love myself again.

I'm not sure what else to write about today, but for now this is enough.

effff

Its weird, because I was so happy, so excited yesterday and now I'm not.

Today, I was supposed to wander around downtown and look for a therapist. I was so excited, because this afternoon is essentially an "afternoon off".

But yesterday Auntie Flo came knocking and I'm too meh to leave the house. I can't leave the house to look for someone to diagnose me with GID when I feel too depressed, too icky, too feminine to get out of bed. Dear body, thanks for reminding me that I'm a biological female when I need it the least.

I'm just in a state of sulk, because my moobs hurt, my ovaries hurt and I feel bloated and tired. and if I tried to talk to any psychiatrists, I'd probably burst into tears.

I hate feeling female. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Days like this make me wish I had a girlfriend to tell me that it was going to be ok, and I'm still an attractive man no matter what. I need reassurance and comfort. :/

but instead I have to rely on myself because I can't continually burden my friends with this. It just wouldn't be right.

Pride

I just got back from an exhausting weekend at Capitol Pride. I gotta say, I'm very proud to be an (ish) out and active member of the LGBT community. Getting to go to events that bring the community together is just plain awesome.

Being "out" at these events as a transman is even more awesome. I love getting to spend entire weekends being Jon. Where EVERYONE there calls me Jon. Where the Starbucks guy writes Jon down on my cup without a second thought.

It gives me a lot of hope.