Forward?

Its time to move forward.
I know I'm starting to pass when guys are hitting on me.
That sounds weird, but guys never really looked twice when I was a girl. And now that I'm presenting as a male, I'm starting to get looks. A lot of "bro" looks. Sizing me up. Its feels... right.
Its the sign I've been looking for. The sign that things ARE actually going to be ok. I am on the path thats going to lead to where/who I want to be. I hope.
I'm moving forward.

Thoughts

One week a month is 30% of the reason why I want to leave womanhood behind. Nothing like a little visit from Auntie Flo for my body to remind me that I can pretend all I want, but I'm still a woman.
I go back and forth about taking the plunge towards hormones and surgery. Some days I'm so ready to go for it, other days I wonder if its worth it. Wonder if I'll be happy.
I'm torn. Torn because I'm not satisfied with myself as a woman. I've hardly ever seen myself as such. I look in the mirror every morning and become sad. I've got these intense cross-gender feelings, but I don't know if people close to me are ready to accept it. Torn because there is a woman in my life who appreciates me for the individual that I am. I'm not sure if I can take that away from her.
But when it comes down to it, the only person who's really standing in the way of forward progression is me.
I get these intense anxiety attacks because I'm not sure where i fit in, if I fit in, to the gender binary. Its stressful. All I want is to know where I can stand firmly in the scheme of things. I want the outside to match the inside.
I'm losing my identity. As I move further and further away from being simply "gay" and towards a "not still a woman, not quite a man who likes women" I grow uncertain. Can you blame me for wanting to stay with something that's be so solid, so obvious in my life for so long, even though it pains me? It honestly scares the heck out of me.

Its akin to being out at sea in a leaking boat. I have enough time to row back to where I came from, or to row to this new island of identity before I capsize and drown. But I can't wait too long to decide, or my boat will fill with water, and I'll drown. I know that I can't survive in this state of "half-way". But I'm scared to move forward. Yet I know if I row back to those familiar shores, I'll have lost all momentum and it will take some time before another sailing vessel is prepared and I can journey forth once more if I chose.

I feel like I'm at a crossroads here. I have no idea which way to go. I tried seeking unbiased help, but it didn't get me far. All it proved is that I was in the boat. and that I had no clue where I was going in it, just that I was floating around, away from my "home" or rather my identity.
I think, perhaps I'll give it time to work itself out. I'll go back to get help if I feel that I need it. But I'm going to forge on ahead, because I don't want to go back. I wasn't fully satisfied with myself there. But I am more satisfied with where I am now, and I feel that if I continue forward I'll get more satisfied. I'll lose this sense of dysphoria. I'll get to the point where I can say with firm conviction that I am not afraid anymore. Maybe, just maybe I have a chance of becoming "whole" once more.

Late Nights

Let me first off state that I have no clue why I am coherent right now. Its 530 in the morning and I've maybe gotten an hour's worth of sleep all night.
This lack of sleep inevitably leads to emotional trauma which furthers my inability to sleep.
On any other morning, I'd be waking up in an hour and a half to go snowboarding. I'm still planning to do such. I probably won't get to sleep until after midnight tonight, thanks to work. This is going to make for one hell of a day. At least I won't be working in such a stressful situation tonight. But I'm not quite sure where I'm going to get the strength from to keep going.
I'm losing focus.
I'm losing heart.
Its definitely time to be headed back to something solid. Like college. I need that structure back in my life.
This... whatever this is, is somehow getting me down. Into a rut. Once, I used to be able to get out of this rut. But years have worn it so deep that I begin to question whether I'll be able to get out this time. I fear that someday, I won't. And I'll be stuck in my stupid sea of turmoil. In my slowly sinking boat.

But its all so stupid. Because there isn't really a rut. I won't get stuck in any seas. and there certainly isn't a sinking boat.
Its all wrapped up in the world of "might-have-been".

Lying

I hate having to lie. Yet I do it nearly every day. Whether its to the stranger or family member asking about the man in my life, or the close friend asking what's wrong. Its in my nature to be a closed book. Letting someone in... divulging my secrets... that's a scary thought.
I don't know who I'm kidding. No one close to me truly cares. I could be freer with how I feel.

All this just seems kind of pointless now.
But is it wrong to fear that I'll never get another woman if I transition? Is it wrong to put it all off because I want to hold onto the happiness that I have now? I'm so confused, and I'm trying to weigh everything the best I can.

??

There are a million other things I could be doing right now. And still, I'm sitting at my laptop trying to organise my thoughts enough to post a new blog. I have no clue why. This blog operates on a need basis. Its here when I need it, and I forget about it when I don't. Its funny how it works like that.
But I don't need my blog right now. I'm happier than I've been in a while. More at peace with myself than I ever could have dreamed. I think I'm just compelled to write.

It occurred to me that I haven't sat down to write in a long while. Perhaps that's what's drawn me back.
This is going to be a short blog update. I'm sure I'll be back again before I leave for university.

Idle

Its not that I've been neglecting my blog. More that... the lull and pull of life has just gotten so strong that I've been forced back into reality. Its kind of funny actually, the way that life tends to work out. Priorities constantly shift. You get hung up on things as they enter and leave your life. Life gets complicated, but thats ok so long as you never lie to yourself and hold true to the things that matter most.
I feel like this past semester I've learned more about myself than I ever expected to. Some of it made me happy, some of it did not. Most of it was confusing as heck. But would I change any of it? No. I wouldn't. Because those tough moments are the ones that define me.

Bah, I have nothing else to write. Totally lost my train of thought.

Some Realizations

I did some serious thinking today and realized some things. I'm legitimately on my way to becoming seriously religious. Bear with me, 'cause this is kind of a new concept for me. After all, I've only spent nearly a decade and a half of my life swearing that I was about as devoutly unreligious as one could possibly ever be.

But anyways, after I left talking to someone with an unbiased opinion about the difficulties in my life, I ran into my friend Paul. As always, he had a smile on his face and a hug ready for the emotionally drained me. He's the kind of person who will listen to anything with an open mind, and try his hardest to make you feel better. Then he asked if he could pray for me. I was honestly touched that he'd offered. These kind of moments are few and far between. So I said, absolutely, and he did. The things he said while he was praying for me were probably some of the nicest and heartfelt things that anyone has said to me in a long long time.

It made me realize, that through faith, all things are possible. But sometimes even He needs help. He needed me to begin to help myself in order for He to begin to work his wonders.

Now that I have begun to help myself, I feel so much better. Its like a huge burden has just begun to lift off my shoulders. I know that I can face the world now, because I've got my faith and my friends on my side. And that makes the world that much brighter.

Regardless of how soon I make the physical changes to my life, I know now that I can. Regardless of whether I choose to walk the Earth as His son or daughter, I know that it makes no difference in His eyes. and honestly, that's given me the courage and the stability to go on with my life, moving ever forward.

To my friends, thank you thank you THANK YOU for always being there. For being ever supportive. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate you. If I even tried, I'd never end. I know I'm kind of an egotistical jerk at times, and I'm trying to fix that and be a better person over all. I just wanted to really recognize all of you for your profound and unique effects on my life. <3>