Idle

Its not that I've been neglecting my blog. More that... the lull and pull of life has just gotten so strong that I've been forced back into reality. Its kind of funny actually, the way that life tends to work out. Priorities constantly shift. You get hung up on things as they enter and leave your life. Life gets complicated, but thats ok so long as you never lie to yourself and hold true to the things that matter most.
I feel like this past semester I've learned more about myself than I ever expected to. Some of it made me happy, some of it did not. Most of it was confusing as heck. But would I change any of it? No. I wouldn't. Because those tough moments are the ones that define me.

Bah, I have nothing else to write. Totally lost my train of thought.

Some Realizations

I did some serious thinking today and realized some things. I'm legitimately on my way to becoming seriously religious. Bear with me, 'cause this is kind of a new concept for me. After all, I've only spent nearly a decade and a half of my life swearing that I was about as devoutly unreligious as one could possibly ever be.

But anyways, after I left talking to someone with an unbiased opinion about the difficulties in my life, I ran into my friend Paul. As always, he had a smile on his face and a hug ready for the emotionally drained me. He's the kind of person who will listen to anything with an open mind, and try his hardest to make you feel better. Then he asked if he could pray for me. I was honestly touched that he'd offered. These kind of moments are few and far between. So I said, absolutely, and he did. The things he said while he was praying for me were probably some of the nicest and heartfelt things that anyone has said to me in a long long time.

It made me realize, that through faith, all things are possible. But sometimes even He needs help. He needed me to begin to help myself in order for He to begin to work his wonders.

Now that I have begun to help myself, I feel so much better. Its like a huge burden has just begun to lift off my shoulders. I know that I can face the world now, because I've got my faith and my friends on my side. And that makes the world that much brighter.

Regardless of how soon I make the physical changes to my life, I know now that I can. Regardless of whether I choose to walk the Earth as His son or daughter, I know that it makes no difference in His eyes. and honestly, that's given me the courage and the stability to go on with my life, moving ever forward.

To my friends, thank you thank you THANK YOU for always being there. For being ever supportive. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate you. If I even tried, I'd never end. I know I'm kind of an egotistical jerk at times, and I'm trying to fix that and be a better person over all. I just wanted to really recognize all of you for your profound and unique effects on my life. <3>

Names

One of the reasons I never want to be a parent is having to come up with baby names. Don't get me wrong, I was like almost every other little girl in the fact that I obsessed over what I was going to name my children. They were cute, adorable little names like Dante and Andrea.

But now I'm stuck with the task of naming myself, and I'm in a funk. I don't know where to start. Do I go for the uber-masculine or the suave? Do I go for the standard Charles, or the obscure Nikolai? Do I keep my middle name, or go for a new one? How do I feel about becoming an Ethan, an Aiden, a Theo or a Demitri?

One thing I do know is that when I go for the change, I'm getting rid of my female name. To create some distinction. Distinction between the girl I was born as, and the man that I hope to become.

I'm sure whatever decision I make will be a good one. I do know that I tend to take things like this slow, and think about them obsessively. I've had a Word document on my desktop for about 6 months where I've been adding, starring and crossing off various names. I feel that I'm hardly any closer than I was when I began sometimes, but I know that every day, I get a little closer, and when I finally find the right name, I'll know.

I'm not scared anymore though. This is something I'm certain of. I'm emerging from my shell, and I'm going to talk about it. Now if only I can finish that email...

Trippy Dreams

So apparently taking antihistamines before going to sleep makes me have trippy dreams and delayed stages of wakefulness.

I think I had the same dream cycle ten times last night. I also don't think I knew anyone in my dream. When I woke up (on my own mind you, no help from my alarm), I couldn't figure out who I was, where I was, and why I was so far off the ground (I have a loft bed). I'm pretty sure I almost fell out of bed in a panic.

But if I don't take decongestants/anti-allergy medications made specifically for night, I can't sleep.

I strongly dislike getting ill.

Growing Stronger

Right now, I'm chilling in the Airport Lounge (in the practically EMPTY airport lounge, which is practically unheard of) trying to catch up on my calculus. Jamming to Taylor Swift. No lie. I'm definitely on a Taylor kick. :D It makes me happy.

I'm on a quest to heal myself. Gotta pull the arrows out of my chest you know? Metaphorical arrows of course.

I've made some pretty serious vows, and I plan to stand by them.

and you know what? I'm over this. I'm over pretending that I'm just going to sit passively and let this stuff wash over me, wear me down. I'm going to live, and there is nothing you can do about it. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to break down these walls, and walk away from all of this. Because some things that used to matter to me, just don't anymore. But the things that do matter... I'm not going to be silent about them anymore. I can't just stand by.

Because I'm going to be a stronger person. in all aspects.

Out.

A month or so ago, I posted about something that is not only very important to me, but also very relevant to where I am in my life. I talked about how I'm not the person that I wake up as. I was intentionally vague, because it was (and still is) something that greatly scares me and makes me very insecure.

And yet I'm making great progress, great strides towards making that change. Every day, I take one step closer to waking up and being the person I truly am.

I'm trusting my friends to stay with me, because in this time I need all the true friends I can get. It was hard enough to come out once, and I'm thrust into the nightmare of trying to come out again.

Paths?

Sometimes it takes a little change to open things up. Something that pulls you clear of the monotony. A new house, a new friend, a new haircut. A new hair color. Something that tells you "I can do this. I made this change, I can make another. I made this sacrifice, what's one more going to hurt?"

My eyes are open and clear now. There shall be no more obstruction.

Heck, I'm stepping forth into the world as a blonde this week. Maybe I can admit to more things in due time. I've taken the first step, and I don't think I'm going to stumble this time.