Untitled

I can't sleep at night because I close my eyes and all I see is you.

I stay awake and all I can think about is you.

You walk in my dreams, you stalk the corners of my mind.

I want to sleep, but you're always there, waiting for me to close my eyes.

I try and stay awake, but you're still always there, waiting for my thoughts to drift.

I try and keep myself busy, but far too often its no use.

I am failing myself, and I am failing you.

Forgive me.

Summah-time

Summer.
I'm looking forward to you, but at the same time I'm fearing you.
You hold new opportunity. You hold fun.
You hold a new job. You hold classes.
If I can survive the next week, I should be ok.

I figure, once I move into my house, I can settle into the swing of things. I won't have to worry about trivial things in my life. I can focus on myself again rather than... i dunno. Rather than how I feel about certain people in my life.

I dunno. I mean I'm so excited about summer, but the isolation that comes with it tends to be a little depressing. However, this'll be the first summer i spend with a housemate (besides family) so that should be exciting. I imagine we'll be challenging each other to do stuff outside the home. And I plan on traveling a bit.

Bring it on summer.

Improvement

I think I'm ok with where our friendship, or whatever has taken us.

I enjoy being your friend, and I enjoy the other connection that we have.

and I've learned to separate it.

I appreciate you for all that you do.

I just wanted you to know that I'm going to be ok.

I've grown as a person over this last week.

and I wanted you to know, that I can do this now.

these days

I hate these days.

I swore to never give up hope, but there are some days when even I see myself as a woman. And thats a real problem right there. Because I should never see myself as anything but what I want to.

I used to look in the mirror and delight over every masculine quality I saw. Now I look in the mirror and all I can see is the excess breast tissue. The roundness in my face. The ass that doesn't belong on a male body. All I can see is the feminine.

I try so hard to present myself as male. To pass as a man. Its just difficult sometimes. Most times. Nearly all the time.

I have a fear that I won't find someone who can look past my lack of biological genitalia. Its irrational because tons of transguys are perfectly happy in relationships. Married even. But still. How am I supposed to find a woman who will see me as the man I present myself as, rather than the woman who's body I currently inhabit? I don't foresee any straight girl being comfortable enough with my (regretfully) female body to date me. I don't foresee any lesbian being comfortable enough with my male gender to date me. I'm not really sure how dating a bisexual woman would work out, but I guess I have qualities from both worlds, and I'm not sure they could be comfortable enough with the strange mix to date me.

I'm a "nice guy". Generally clean cut. I try to be a gentleman. Its weird because I wasn't so "clean cut" or "nice girl" as a woman. A lot of the things that made me attractive to the kind of people that I wanted to get don't quite fit into my "man personality". Its enough to send me spiraling into an identity crisis sometimes. My "whatever I had for a personality" was one of the things I liked about my female self. I really don't want to give that up. I like being a "nice guy" but, I'm not so sure if at the expense of this.

Identity crisis. Another thing I hate.

It usually stems from dysphoria. When I look in the mirror and I don't know who the heck I am. Every morning I wake up and I have to decide who I am.

Am I Kelly today or Jon? Do I have tits or pecs? Do I have a dick or not?

Honestly, its enough to drive anyone crazy. And it gets to me.

Because on the days that I am Jon (which is nearly every day), it doesn't change the fact that I still have female anatomy. I can hide them. I can wear baggy pants and bind my chest. But they do not go away. I still bleed for a week every month. When I go to bed at night, everything has to come off, and I go to bed a woman. and I wake up a woman.

In my mind, I am a man. But in body, I'm stuck in my biological form.

I hate it. Some mornings I want to take a knife to myself and cut it all off. Cut it all out. Clearly, I can rationalize that this is not a good idea, and I would never do that. But it doesn't change the fact that I want to. It scares me.

This hatred that I feel towards my biological body is frightening.

I can't wait until the day arrives where my undesired parts are gone. But at the same time, I can wait because things are moving so fast. That's another thing that scares me. How fast things are going now that I've set sail towards my ultimate destination of "man". My destination of Jon. I think this is why I'm dragging my heels. This is why I'm putting off my emails to find a therapist. Why I'm putting off seeking hormones even though this is what I want almost more than anything else in the world.

I want a beard. I want a flat chest, pecs and abs. I want... a dick like all the other guys. I want to be able to use it, to get hard, to get head just like any bio-guy. I want to be like any bio-guy. I want to be able to pick girls up at the club, to buy girls drinks, to get their number. I want to be able to take girls home and not have to worry about awkward explanations of why I look like a guy, but I'm missing certain essential male hardware.

I want someone who will look at me and say "he's hot" when I'm clothed and naked.

I want to look good in, and fill out a suit.

I want to be a man. Someone girls are proud to bring home and introduce to their parents.

I want something that's unattainable. That's the problem.

Thats a lie. It is attainable. It'll take some work. Some miracles. Some really special girl. But it could happen.

I'll keep my fingers crossed. and I'll keep you updated.

(just so you know, this was written straight out. No editing except for spelling and grammar mistakes. This is as real as it gets. Straight up how I feel. you're welcome)

Youth

My dad recently turned a bunch of VHS tapes that I got from my grandparents to DVDs. I finally got around to watching them today.

Seeing myself as a baby girl is so... weird. So strange to see myself in dresses and pink frilly things. Its almost like its not even really me. I recognize myself in as the child in the unisex onsies, but in the dresses... its like a stranger is standing in for me.

Even weirder is seeing my parents together. I cannot recall a time when they were together, I only have photos and now these videos. What a mindblowing thing to be sure.

Growing Up

There's a time in everyone's life where they realize that its time to grow up and bear some responsibility for their actions.
I think I hit that point today.
Not that I wasn't taking responsibility for my actions before, but I just realized that its time for me to grow up. Focus on life and moving forward rather than staying stagnant.
Its time to find some new friends who will help me with this quest, because I need to branch out a bit more.
I need to stop chasing, and start living MY life.

:D

Suddenly I'm feeling a lot better. Much better than I've felt in a long long time.

I know exactly why, and exactly who to thank. And I think she knows who she is.

I'm truly thankful that we're friends again. :D I'm glad she knows me so well and knows just what I need to hear (which is generally the straight up truth).

I'm too nice of a guy to get fucked over by life.

and as a wise person (whom I first met by the library, then again at a party) once told me, "have a good relationship with yourself. That's the most important thing. You can't hope for a relationship of any kind with someone else if you don't have a good relationship with yourself".

and I plan to.

Moving forward.