Its just Life

My goals for the next little while:

1. Guys bathrooms? need to get used to using them.

2. Just passing as a guy in general. Flat chest and making it look like I've got a dick ftw!

3. Continue to talk to my parents.

4. Talk to Ted about talking to people in Richmond

5. Heterosexual sex wtf? yeaaah.

interesting list... yes. TMI? probably. But.... hahahahahahaaha. Win.

Untitled

Sometimes I wish you realized that you were as beautiful as I think you are.
Sometimes I wish you realized that I don't want to jump your bones 24/7, I'm just becoming head over heels for you.
Sometimes I wish I could get over you, because I feel like you're getting over me.
I wish I wasn't so out of the loop. I'm just trying to be a gentleman. Because that's what you deserve.

Blah Day

I have a dream that I'll look like this someday....

Sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough to go through with this on my own.

Most days I think so, but there are those days when I'm not so sure.

Today is one of those days.

Some days I'm so excited and proactive, but other days I wonder if its worth all this effort. All this pain.

I'm reliving the difficulties of coming out. While in my circle of friends things are progressing nicely, things are stalled at the family end.

I'm excited that I may be seeing a therapist soon. So I can say with confidence, THIS is what's going on with my life. I hope that you can support me.

I'm a little depressed to not be able to have a shirtless summer yet. I can't wait for that day.

I also can't wait for the day my voice drops.

and the day when I shave for the first time.

But thinking about how far I have yet to go is a little daunting at times.

Sorry... its just been an off day.

Spring Break

Taking a break from the monotony of "trans" stuff.
After all, I'm in Utah for spring break. So for a week, I'm focusing on snowboarding.
I'm not going to stress about the little things. Like school, women, gender, sickness.
There is only me, my snowboard and some sick powder to shred.
The weather is predicting lots of snow. I can't wait.

Goals

Hey, its Jon again.

I'm setting some goals for myself.

1. Talk to my parents by the end of spring break.

1.5 Also, file my taxes by the end of spring break.

2. find a psychiatrist by summer.

3. +3 months after finding a psychiatrist, start taking hormones.

4. Be more confident about myself

5. Test drive my name being Jonathan in preparation for:

6. Start going by Jonathan at the beginning of fall semester 2010

7. Talk to my parents about getting a legal name/sex change (tbd)

8. double mastectomy (time on this is tbd, especially since this is a significant amount of $$)

9. Actually go through with the legal changes (sometime in the next 30 years?)

10. Finding someone to spend the rest of my life with, who'll accept me for my flaws, my changes, my oddness and my genetic shortcomings (this is questionable)

Amen...

Amen brother....

Two steps forward, one step back

It really upsets me that I've come so far along in this process, but I'm still oh so far. I'd thought that counseling would help, but in the wise words of one of my dearest friends "you were like, sistah can you lend me a cork for my sinking boat, and they were like, honey... so sorry but all we can do is bail you out a bucketful." I need a long term fix. I'm sick of my short term fixes getting me nowhere. I mean, I feel so great about myself, but at the end of the day, I still get a "have a good one ma'am/ladies". I hate to "hate", but I'm getting screwed over by the "androgynous lesbians" out there. People tend to see an androgynous person dressed in guy clothes and think "dyke". Sorry, but no. I dress in guy clothes, bind my chest, go to a HECK of a lot of work to look like a guy, BECAUSE I want to be see as such. Its discouraging that the world doesn't quite work like that.

I think I need more scruff. More edges. Even though I'm off of birth control, my face is too round to be naturally "male". It provides just enough of that androgynous look to make me vaguely female. But I can't get scruff until I buck up and talk to the 'rents. Go see a psychiatrist. Figure out the getting hormones thing. Its a lot to put on my plate.

I spend so much time worrying about this that I fear it'll start to affect my schoolwork. I'm already wasting time blogging about this when I need to write a history paper.

Bah. Two steps forward, one step back.