Names

One of the reasons I never want to be a parent is having to come up with baby names. Don't get me wrong, I was like almost every other little girl in the fact that I obsessed over what I was going to name my children. They were cute, adorable little names like Dante and Andrea.

But now I'm stuck with the task of naming myself, and I'm in a funk. I don't know where to start. Do I go for the uber-masculine or the suave? Do I go for the standard Charles, or the obscure Nikolai? Do I keep my middle name, or go for a new one? How do I feel about becoming an Ethan, an Aiden, a Theo or a Demitri?

One thing I do know is that when I go for the change, I'm getting rid of my female name. To create some distinction. Distinction between the girl I was born as, and the man that I hope to become.

I'm sure whatever decision I make will be a good one. I do know that I tend to take things like this slow, and think about them obsessively. I've had a Word document on my desktop for about 6 months where I've been adding, starring and crossing off various names. I feel that I'm hardly any closer than I was when I began sometimes, but I know that every day, I get a little closer, and when I finally find the right name, I'll know.

I'm not scared anymore though. This is something I'm certain of. I'm emerging from my shell, and I'm going to talk about it. Now if only I can finish that email...

Trippy Dreams

So apparently taking antihistamines before going to sleep makes me have trippy dreams and delayed stages of wakefulness.

I think I had the same dream cycle ten times last night. I also don't think I knew anyone in my dream. When I woke up (on my own mind you, no help from my alarm), I couldn't figure out who I was, where I was, and why I was so far off the ground (I have a loft bed). I'm pretty sure I almost fell out of bed in a panic.

But if I don't take decongestants/anti-allergy medications made specifically for night, I can't sleep.

I strongly dislike getting ill.

Growing Stronger

Right now, I'm chilling in the Airport Lounge (in the practically EMPTY airport lounge, which is practically unheard of) trying to catch up on my calculus. Jamming to Taylor Swift. No lie. I'm definitely on a Taylor kick. :D It makes me happy.

I'm on a quest to heal myself. Gotta pull the arrows out of my chest you know? Metaphorical arrows of course.

I've made some pretty serious vows, and I plan to stand by them.

and you know what? I'm over this. I'm over pretending that I'm just going to sit passively and let this stuff wash over me, wear me down. I'm going to live, and there is nothing you can do about it. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to break down these walls, and walk away from all of this. Because some things that used to matter to me, just don't anymore. But the things that do matter... I'm not going to be silent about them anymore. I can't just stand by.

Because I'm going to be a stronger person. in all aspects.

Out.

A month or so ago, I posted about something that is not only very important to me, but also very relevant to where I am in my life. I talked about how I'm not the person that I wake up as. I was intentionally vague, because it was (and still is) something that greatly scares me and makes me very insecure.

And yet I'm making great progress, great strides towards making that change. Every day, I take one step closer to waking up and being the person I truly am.

I'm trusting my friends to stay with me, because in this time I need all the true friends I can get. It was hard enough to come out once, and I'm thrust into the nightmare of trying to come out again.

Paths?

Sometimes it takes a little change to open things up. Something that pulls you clear of the monotony. A new house, a new friend, a new haircut. A new hair color. Something that tells you "I can do this. I made this change, I can make another. I made this sacrifice, what's one more going to hurt?"

My eyes are open and clear now. There shall be no more obstruction.

Heck, I'm stepping forth into the world as a blonde this week. Maybe I can admit to more things in due time. I've taken the first step, and I don't think I'm going to stumble this time.

The Eve of an Era

ok.. maybe "era" is a strong word. But its almost fitting.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow begins a new stage in life. A new semester in college. a beginning of something that's hopefully better than what's been left behind.

I'm not going to lie. I'm excited. I've made a lot of progress over the last couple months and found out a lot of relevant things. I think I know the path that I need to be taking. Sure, it's going to be rough, and I'll probably stray from it occasionally. But at least i know the way, and if I get lost, I'll always find my way back.

and I know I've got some amazing people who've always got my back. Who'll help me keep moving forward, and not looking back.

With the future in sight, how can I fail?

Missing You

I'm reduced to quoting song lyrics as of late. Its almost depressing. no, I lie. It IS depressing haha. But hey, I miss my friends back in the ATX, so i'm in a Goo mood. That is, a Goo Goo Dolls mood. *le sigh*

Mainly, an "Iris" mood. Btw. BEST SONG EVARRRR. <-yes, I just went there. It made "City of Angels" so worth it. And Johnny Rzeznik is so hot. <- yes. I went there too. 'cept he's more like, yeah-i-want-to-look-like-him hot. But that's ok.

but srsly. "Iris" is awesome, even if its so very sad.

but hey, if I'm not listening to Dave Mustaine and Lars Ulrich (and Steve Harris, can't forget him), Johnny Rzeznik is pretty cool.

Seeing how it does remind me a lot of ATX, this is a good thing. I feel guilty about not visiting this summer. I'm upset that things didn't work out.

Ya'll have been on my mind all summer. I know ya'll aren't reading this, but I just thought I'd get it out in the open. Maybe I'll see you over holidays? Or next summer.

Cause I know ATX has been missing me.