Paths?

Sometimes it takes a little change to open things up. Something that pulls you clear of the monotony. A new house, a new friend, a new haircut. A new hair color. Something that tells you "I can do this. I made this change, I can make another. I made this sacrifice, what's one more going to hurt?"

My eyes are open and clear now. There shall be no more obstruction.

Heck, I'm stepping forth into the world as a blonde this week. Maybe I can admit to more things in due time. I've taken the first step, and I don't think I'm going to stumble this time.

The Eve of an Era

ok.. maybe "era" is a strong word. But its almost fitting.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow begins a new stage in life. A new semester in college. a beginning of something that's hopefully better than what's been left behind.

I'm not going to lie. I'm excited. I've made a lot of progress over the last couple months and found out a lot of relevant things. I think I know the path that I need to be taking. Sure, it's going to be rough, and I'll probably stray from it occasionally. But at least i know the way, and if I get lost, I'll always find my way back.

and I know I've got some amazing people who've always got my back. Who'll help me keep moving forward, and not looking back.

With the future in sight, how can I fail?

Missing You

I'm reduced to quoting song lyrics as of late. Its almost depressing. no, I lie. It IS depressing haha. But hey, I miss my friends back in the ATX, so i'm in a Goo mood. That is, a Goo Goo Dolls mood. *le sigh*

Mainly, an "Iris" mood. Btw. BEST SONG EVARRRR. <-yes, I just went there. It made "City of Angels" so worth it. And Johnny Rzeznik is so hot. <- yes. I went there too. 'cept he's more like, yeah-i-want-to-look-like-him hot. But that's ok.

but srsly. "Iris" is awesome, even if its so very sad.

but hey, if I'm not listening to Dave Mustaine and Lars Ulrich (and Steve Harris, can't forget him), Johnny Rzeznik is pretty cool.

Seeing how it does remind me a lot of ATX, this is a good thing. I feel guilty about not visiting this summer. I'm upset that things didn't work out.

Ya'll have been on my mind all summer. I know ya'll aren't reading this, but I just thought I'd get it out in the open. Maybe I'll see you over holidays? Or next summer.

Cause I know ATX has been missing me.

Filming

It's been a lifelong dream for me to write and shoot a short film during my life.

Practically every summer I tell myself that this is the one. I'll finally start filming. I've even gone so far as to write scripts. So far as to start filming. But inevitably, things come up and I abandon my task.

And yet.

Yet I struggle onwards, going through the same cycle ever summer.

But HA, this... year will be different. I'll complete the film. I'm not even sure what its all about yet, but I'm determined.

And determination is key.

Change and Summer

So... summer's pretty emo-tastic. Not necessarily in a bad way, but its just this solid block of time where one thinks too much about... well everything.

I wrote a bunch of random crap at work today, so I'll copy and paste it from Word.

I am afraid of change. Just like I am afraid of the unknown. Sometimes the two are one and the same, sometimes change is just reverting back to what once w as.

It’s a silly thing, living in fear. But it blocks me from doing a lot of things in life that I ought to.

I don’t fear all change, just… Change. Not the individual stuff, but the inevitability.

But fearing inevitability is difficult when you vow to have no regrets. Sometimes, I feel that living with no regrets is a pipe dream. I guess it comes from the theory that if you live each day, each moment as your last, you’ll never regret anything. But still I try.

[Insert crap that no one can read cause its too personal. Basically stuff about my recent regrets that I can't help]

and now for my emo-tastic poem.

"Falling"

Smashed into a million pieces

Gravity has taken its toll

Seemingly innocent at first

The insanity started with a jump

A leap of faith perhaps

Trying to trust again

But knowing deep down

This was futile from the first

Hands clasped so tight

Reminiscent of skydivers

Wind warping faces

Into clown smiles

Mid-air acrobatics

Flipping, whirling in free fall

Ever aware of altitude

Yet the end is still far off

Checking watches

Checking height

The joy rapidly slowing

As the ground rushes near

Cocksure smiles apiece

Ready to pull the cord

But one chute is not packed right

And one cannot carry two

Drag pulls one up

As the colored chute deploys

The other, a victim

of perishing in free fall

Waking Up

When I wake up in the morning, I am completely myself for fifteen minutes.

That's how long it takes me to roll out of bed, check my email and gather clothes for a shower. Then I look in the bathroom mirror and the illusion is shattered.

After that, I'm just the girl in the mirror, not the person I woke up as.

Maybe some day I'll wake up, roll out of bed, check my email and head to the shower only to look in the mirror and see the person that I wake up as.

but that endeavor could take a lifetime.

Trips

yay for trips to visit friends!!

Woooo!!!

yay for trips to visit awkward friends. :)

The end!