Despair

Perhaps despair is too strong of a word.   But in the throes of my sorrow, it is what seems most fitting.

I have lost what I deemed valuable.  Wouldn't you feel despaired if you had too?

Everyone goes through loss in their lives.  

Loss of childhood, loss of parents, loss of innocence, loss of their partner.  Loss.  While it makes us stronger as people, it sure as hell hurts in the moment.   And it is getting over that moment that is the hardest part.  It is a tiresome trek.  A trek without a seeming end in sight.  

There's building back up of walls.  A sense of growing cold and distant from those who care.  They don't understand why you feel so vulnerable.  and yet, you do.  and you don't know how to stop it.

Because all you want to do is let them in again.  But at the same time, you don't trust them not to break you into a thousand tiny pieces, sinking into the floor.

Neglect

Once again, I have neglected my blog.

I suppose, as college classes give me more and more homework, I seem to have less and less time for the things that I enjoy in life.  Relationships, healthy amounts of exercise, writing.  You know the drill.  It is in the wee hours of the night when at last I can set aside my toils and partake in that which I love.

I am not sure where my journey shall take me now.  But this I do know.  The road that I travel is not tread by many others.  It is my destiny in life to pave new roads for others to follow.  I shall do my best to make these roads firm and safe for those who follow.

Difficulties

Life is a difficult, cruel existence.  It makes absolutely no sense.  And yet, we trudge through it, wallowing through the bogs and potholes that it creates.  And we are happy about it.

Why so?

Why are we so content to exist in this netherworld which inevitably rejects its own?

I am still attempting to fathom this.

Sometimes I feel like I'm choking without gravity, losing all sense of time, trying to escape, but inevitably just moving closer to that which humanity fears most.

Which is what?

What do you as a human fear the most?  I am searching for that answer.

Not what HUMANS fear most, but what does humanity as a whole and as an individual fear most.

Thus far I've heard finals, and death.  Very valid answers.

Who in their right mind isn't afraid of such?

You know what I am afraid of?

Time.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The leaves rustled in the breeze
bringing forth memories forgotten
the soul sprung free of its worldly chains
released to wander as it will

The soul of a nation
long gone from this world
returns with a vengeance
To punish those who scorned

Folk flee before its wrath
Frightened of the inevitable
but what is more worthy
The creator, or the destroyer?

The creator, the ultimate builder
one who holds the key to existence
in an instant, he can give everything
in the next, he can withhold the most valuable

The destroyer, the ultimate wrecker
the one who holds the key to chaos
in an instant, he can dissolve the most stable
in the next, he can grant brief amnesty

Who does the wind fear
the one who can take just as easily as give
the one who things nothing of destroying 
or are they one and the same

Could the wind perhaps
released the greatest demon of all
forgotten in the stream of time
gathering strength in the abyss

He will click his hands
and the world shall moan
the unfettered master
The King of Time

Being a Bum

I've always had this dream of trying to make my way in the world by being "homeless" for a summer.  Just to see what it is like.  I'm not sure I could do it.  Give up everything to become a bum?  Spend no money, buy very little.  I admit I don't think I could make it.

For one, I don't know where I'd even go.  Washington DC?  NYC?  some other large city?  Perhaps I'd find a job, to work off whatever debts I have.

The only thing stopping me?  Fear.  I don't think I could do it.  Fear of what my friends and family would think.  It would give me such a weird rep.

On Holidays

Here we stand, on the brink of the holidays.  The light at the end of the tunnel.  The only thing left standing in our way...a series of tests, known to college students as FINALS, or better yet, Hell.  They cannot block us from Thanksgiving, a mere week away, but they loom overhead, a constant reminder of the 24-hour a day quiet hours waiting passively in our future.  We have hours of studying to look forward to.  Stress, and tense friends.  Who knows what craziness will occur.

Then finally.  Freedom.  Dorm checkouts.  A month utterly devoid of all intelligent conversation and school.  Winter holidays.  Time to relax; kick back; rekindle friendships.  Hang out with your parents (what an idea!).  Skiing.  Golf.  Concerts.  Roaring fires.

All too soon, the calendar flips.  A new year.  The days roll by, and the laziness bids us farewell.  Brains struggle to come off of stand by.  Unpacking.  Working off the pounds gained from homecooked meals.  Settling back into the day-to-day routine, with some changes.  

Praying for the light at the end of the tunnel four months away.

See what we have to look forward to in the Holidays?

On Identity

I don't believe that Identity is something that one can simply know.  It is certainly something which is fluid, like the tides, forever changing with the the ever altering landscape.  The expanse of life if you will.  Forever.  Changing.