Is this thing still even on?

What if? What if I started blogging again?
A lot has changed in 4 years.
I finished college, I have a full-time job managing a bookstore, I got married...

I don't know if I'll keep blogging, but as of now I'll consider it.

Post-op

finally post-op. I'm so relieved to have it finally done, but the healing process isn't going to be too exciting. the fluid drains are really itchy and being on narcotics is no fun. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

24 days til surgery

Thanks to everyone who's already contributed. Now that its down to the last month, I'm making a final push to see if anyone can spare a couple bucks for a brother.
every penny helps, seriously.

Working out

For the past couple months I've been trying really hard to get in the habit of working out.
See, T has greatly increased my ability to build muscle, and thus I have more muscle. But I want more definition.
My goal is to hit the gym several times a week. But the current problem is that the university rec center is currently only open M-F 11:30a-1:30p and then 5-7p. Unfortunately, those usually conflict with times that I work and such. and times when I sleep (sometimes I sleep until noon or so, since I stay up late to enjoy time when its not super hot in my house).
I'm also trying to keep track of how much I lift and when so that I can track my progress. See how much my strength has grown and all that.

34 Weeks/8 months

A fair bit has changed in the past couple months.
I'm now 34 weeks on T (wednesday will be 8 months, if I counted by months). Things are great. Really great.
My facial hair is coming in (ok, so I have facial hair on my chin and I could grow a mustache if I wanted to, but I don't).
I'm developing wonderful muscles. I'm actually really proud of myself.
I think I've come a long ways in 8 months.

Plus, I have a top surgery date. December 20, 2011. Problem is, its $7300, which I don't have yet. I'm trying to save up as much as possible, and my dad is going to loan me the rest, but still.
I made a chipin account though ( http://jondmitri.chipin.com/top-surgery ). I dunno if anyone who reads this blog wants to help out, but I could use it. No matter how little.
<3

22 weeks

Yesterday was 22 weeks. I feel like I'm running out of new things to say.
All I'm really doing now is trying to get paperwork in order to legally change my name, looking at surgeons to schedule top surgery with and desperately trying to grow a beard.
Not all that exciting if you ask me. Its nothing new.

ooops?

Guess I haven't posted here in a while.
I should really get back to straight up blogging rather than being on Tumblr all the time.

But let me get you up to speed.
This friday will mark 20 weeks on T. 5 months. Wow. In that time, my voice has dropped significantly, and I've had to start shaving my face. I've put on a lot more muscle and generally taken on the habits of a teenage/pubescent boy. aka, sleeping lots and eating lots.
My dad has come around to the fact that I'm his son, and we're working towards helping his family be ok with it too (i'm writing a letter to send to them, explaining everything). I'm hoping to legally change my name soon.
I've been dating a really great boy for the past two and a half months, and its made my transition a bit easier because he's so supportive. Who would have thought I'd be dating a guy again (considering the last guy I dated was during my freshman year of high school... so about 6 years ago).

Continuous fail at blogging

Well, its two days until Christmas and so much as been achieved since my last post.
Tomorrow, I will be 3 weeks on T. It was really frustrating how long it took to actually get on T, but I feel so much better now that I've started. I can't wait to start seeing changes in my physical appearance. Even more so, I can't wait until my menstrual cycle stops.
As of now, I don't really see many changes. There was a slight increase in appetite, but nothing major. I've also put on some muscle, but that's likely due to the fact that my wrist is finally feeling strong enough after I broke it this summer.
I need to buy a new binder or two this year, because my old one is wearing out.
Over all it's been an exciting two months.

Update

Wow, so I fail at keeping up with this blog. My bad.

A week ago, I reached 3 months of therapy, which qualified me to start T. I'll be starting a little over a month from now.

At the same time, it seems like every day I'm fighting off the onslaught of dysphoria and depression.

I'm still balancing on the edge of a knife.

But its going to get better

Strength

These past two weeks have been a real test of patience and strength.

On a positive note, I'm three sessions shy of starting T. Three more weeks. Actually, I think my therapist is going to make me wait 4 more weeks and start around October 12th like planned. But a guy can dream right?

Lord knows I need that dream right now.

On a more negative note, its not even the second week of classes and I'm already reeling from the shock of two deaths of people close to me.

A guy that I marched with in high school committed suicide a little over a week ago, which was a huge shock to everyone. The guy was always so positive, and happy and no one could have seen it coming.

And then Friday night I got a call from my Mum telling me that my Grandad had passed away. Its weird, because we all expected him to outlive us all. He was such a youthful healthy guy. We're not even sure what killed him. A heart attack, stroke or maybe and aneurism?

I'm taking the death of my grandad really hard. I'm the oldest grandkid and its hard to know that both he and my grandmum (who passed 10 years ago) are both gone. Both my mum's parents. Its awful, and the loss is really stressing me out.

I'm going to need strength now more than ever. I'm trying to hold fast to what I have.

I'm roughly one month shy of starting T right now.

I apologise for the short post, but I have ridiculous amounts of homework to do.

I'm getting bad about remembering to blog again. But this time its because I got a Tumblr, and I'm doing a lot from there.

jdclouston.tumblr.com

But I feel like I'll still post from here a fair bit. This medium gives me a fair amount of space to type long emotional entries.

Today is my 8th therapy session I think, and my Dad is coming with me. I'm not really sure what to expect, but I feel like its going to help him to hear about all of this from a source that isn't me. I know he wants to be able to support me, but he just doesn't know how.

The further I get in my transition, the more attracted I get to men. Its weird to type this, and weirder to say it out loud, because for 20 years I've been solely attracted to women. I've always admired men for their bodies, but I'd sooner jump a barbed wire fence then get in bed with them.

But the more I accept myself as a man, the more I think I might actually be bisexual. or possibly pansexual.

At this point, I don't think I could see myself in a sexual relationship with a man. But I think... that I might possibly be ok with having a boy friend. and someday, I think I could be ok with having sex with a man.

Of course, this is all depending on when I stop seeing my attraction to men as heterosexual, and start seeing my attraction to men as homosexual.

damn, being an FTM is weird sometimes.

The strength to carry on

Just when I'm about to give up and lessen blogging for a bit, I'm reminded that I still have viewers. People who read my blog. Thank you. Even though I mainly blog for myself, it means the world to me that people actually take time out of their day to read about my life and troubles.

Lets see here. Today, is July 29th, 2010. I'm 20 years, 1 month, and 1 day old, which is a huge deal for me because there were many point in time where I wasn't sure I'd make it this far. Not entirely through my own fault, but I always thought I'd die young. Apparently there's hope for me yet, and I'm probably going to grow up to be a grumpy old man someday. But the point is, every day for me is a gift. Especially as of late.

These past 16 days (since I started seeing my therapist) have been some of the roughest days I've experienced. Its been one hell of an emotional roller coaster. On one hand, I'm very excited to be starting my transition journey. Its so unreal that its actually happening, and that I'll be starting T in a little over 2 months. But on the other hand, 2 months is a long time. Some mornings its an absolute struggle to get out of bed. Some mornings I feel so hopeless, because my dysphoria kicks in and I sink into a downward spiral of depression. Its the scariest thing. I get so lethargic, I have to force myself to get out of bed/off the couch and eat not because I'm lazy, but because sometimes I feel that there's no point in eating. I have to force myself to shower, because I can't stand to see my naked body and I won't do it otherwise. Usually I sleep just in boxers, but on those days that are full of dysphoria I sleep in my binder too, which is ridiculously unsafe. But I can't stand the feel of bare chest. I sleep wearing my packer too on these days/nights because its comforting. Usually I take it off to sleep so that it's not unnecessarily worn down.

There is so much hope, yet I'm fighting a thousand inner battles. I'm so thankful every day that I have such a powerful support network. I don't even want to think about where I'd be without all of you. Even those of you who support from the shadows. So thank you. All of you. You give me the strength to carry on.

Therapy

My grand adventure into the world of therapy has begun. One week down, and either 11 weeks or 10 sessions to go until I can start taking testosterone. I'm really really excited, but at the same tim I'm nervous. in less than three months a lot of changes will be happening to me. Its going to be a fantastic, yet scary time.

Thank goodness I have such a solid support group.

Savings

I officially have $4.76 saved towards hormones/surgery. While this might not seem like a lot, all savings have to start somewhere. I just dumped my spare change into a jar and labeled it Hormones Savings. Its a great feeling, knowing that I'm starting to save up. When I have a job again, a little bit of every paycheck will go towards saving up for surgery.

Its coming...

About a month ago I ordered an STP device. So that... you know... I could pee standing up. In a urinal. Like all the other guys. Because I got to the point where I was (and still am) ridiculously uncomfortable using public bathrooms. Because I don't fit into either. I'm a man, so I don't belong in a woman's restroom. But I can't pee standing up, and I felt awkward using men's restrooms.

And I waited. Because the guys I order from custom make the devices. and today I finally got an email back from them that said my order was going to ship FRIDAY. That means it'll be here next week. Then I can start practising using it. and then I'll be able to pee in public again.

I'll take pictures when it gets here.

Awake

This morning I woke up feeling great. I felt refreshed, I felt awake and I felt like me.

Looking in the mirror, I could see past the female flaws in my body and love myself for who I am underneath it all.

Slowly, day by day, I am am learning to love myself again.

I'm not sure what else to write about today, but for now this is enough.