I want out

I want out. I'm through.

I woke up this morning and went into the bathroom to change, caught sight of myself in the mirror and cried. I know its just a bad day, and I know it'll pass, but I'm over this.

I've sent out emails (my draft box is finally empty), but no replies yet.

I'm so upset. I can hardly put my shirt on anymore without catching sight of the god-awful lumps of breast tissue hanging off of me. I go to admire my developing abs, but my chest is not perfect yet.

Coming off my monthies, my moobs are sore, and that only makes it worse. I can feel them.

I just... arg. I want them gone. Or I'm through.

I'm scared.

Under the advice of some friends, I took a couple more steps (more like leaps) forward.

I sent out an email. an email to someone I hope can point me in the right direction.

I don't know why all this terrifies me. I'm doing what I've dreamt of doing.

There's just too much stress.

and its getting to me.

monthlies

I hate them.

entering dysphoria mode now.

checking out of the cosmos temporarily.

Disturb at your own risk.

Untitled (again)

I think I'm chalking this up to Summer. For whatever reason it always has a weird effect on me. I think its the break from structure and rules. I have a lot more time to think about myself and my life, among other things. As of late, I'm not pleased with the things that I've been finding there.

I worry that as I move forward in my transition I'm losing crucial parts of who I am. and that's not something that I want to be happening. Some crucial (read:Female) parts I'm ok with losing, but I refuse to sacrifice other things like my attitude, personality and simply the way I hold myself in order to fit into the mold of a Real Man™. I am my own man after all. I don't need to fit anyone's definition of a Man.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

and yet as I try harder and harder to pass, I find that I try to fit those definitions in hopes that that'll help me pass. But trying to fit stereotypes doesn't result in a complete person. I have to keep telling myself that.

I am who I am. I'm not going to lose myself in this process.

I'm not going to sacrifice who I am for anything, for anyone.

I keep telling myself that these "self searches" are good. But damn, they bring forth the dysphoria. It only highlights how far I have to come. And now that's its Summer, I have fewer people close by that I trust to help me combat it. I know I have to learn to push past it on my own, but... but sometimes its difficult. Sometimes even the strongest man needs a little boost. Needs a little help.

Meh. I really need to work on making thoughts more positive. This is really just getting me down.

Keeping my chin up.

Untitled

I can't sleep at night because I close my eyes and all I see is you.

I stay awake and all I can think about is you.

You walk in my dreams, you stalk the corners of my mind.

I want to sleep, but you're always there, waiting for me to close my eyes.

I try and stay awake, but you're still always there, waiting for my thoughts to drift.

I try and keep myself busy, but far too often its no use.

I am failing myself, and I am failing you.

Forgive me.

Summah-time

Summer.
I'm looking forward to you, but at the same time I'm fearing you.
You hold new opportunity. You hold fun.
You hold a new job. You hold classes.
If I can survive the next week, I should be ok.

I figure, once I move into my house, I can settle into the swing of things. I won't have to worry about trivial things in my life. I can focus on myself again rather than... i dunno. Rather than how I feel about certain people in my life.

I dunno. I mean I'm so excited about summer, but the isolation that comes with it tends to be a little depressing. However, this'll be the first summer i spend with a housemate (besides family) so that should be exciting. I imagine we'll be challenging each other to do stuff outside the home. And I plan on traveling a bit.

Bring it on summer.

Improvement

I think I'm ok with where our friendship, or whatever has taken us.

I enjoy being your friend, and I enjoy the other connection that we have.

and I've learned to separate it.

I appreciate you for all that you do.

I just wanted you to know that I'm going to be ok.

I've grown as a person over this last week.

and I wanted you to know, that I can do this now.