I swore to never give up hope, but there are some days when even I see myself as a woman. And thats a real problem right there. Because I should never see myself as anything but what I want to.
I used to look in the mirror and delight over every masculine quality I saw. Now I look in the mirror and all I can see is the excess breast tissue. The roundness in my face. The ass that doesn't belong on a male body. All I can see is the feminine.
I try so hard to present myself as male. To pass as a man. Its just difficult sometimes. Most times. Nearly all the time.
I have a fear that I won't find someone who can look past my lack of biological genitalia. Its irrational because tons of transguys are perfectly happy in relationships. Married even. But still. How am I supposed to find a woman who will see me as the man I present myself as, rather than the woman who's body I currently inhabit? I don't foresee any straight girl being comfortable enough with my (regretfully) female body to date me. I don't foresee any lesbian being comfortable enough with my male gender to date me. I'm not really sure how dating a bisexual woman would work out, but I guess I have qualities from both worlds, and I'm not sure they could be comfortable enough with the strange mix to date me.
I'm a "nice guy". Generally clean cut. I try to be a gentleman. Its weird because I wasn't so "clean cut" or "nice girl" as a woman. A lot of the things that made me attractive to the kind of people that I wanted to get don't quite fit into my "man personality". Its enough to send me spiraling into an identity crisis sometimes. My "whatever I had for a personality" was one of the things I liked about my female self. I really don't want to give that up. I like being a "nice guy" but, I'm not so sure if at the expense of this.
Identity crisis. Another thing I hate.
It usually stems from dysphoria. When I look in the mirror and I don't know who the heck I am. Every morning I wake up and I have to decide who I am.
Am I Kelly today or Jon? Do I have tits or pecs? Do I have a dick or not?
Honestly, its enough to drive anyone crazy. And it gets to me.
Because on the days that I am Jon (which is nearly every day), it doesn't change the fact that I still have female anatomy. I can hide them. I can wear baggy pants and bind my chest. But they do not go away. I still bleed for a week every month. When I go to bed at night, everything has to come off, and I go to bed a woman. and I wake up a woman.
In my mind, I am a man. But in body, I'm stuck in my biological form.
I hate it. Some mornings I want to take a knife to myself and cut it all off. Cut it all out. Clearly, I can rationalize that this is not a good idea, and I would never do that. But it doesn't change the fact that I want to. It scares me.
This hatred that I feel towards my biological body is frightening.
I can't wait until the day arrives where my undesired parts are gone. But at the same time, I can wait because things are moving so fast. That's another thing that scares me. How fast things are going now that I've set sail towards my ultimate destination of "man". My destination of Jon. I think this is why I'm dragging my heels. This is why I'm putting off my emails to find a therapist. Why I'm putting off seeking hormones even though this is what I want almost more than anything else in the world.
I want a beard. I want a flat chest, pecs and abs. I want... a dick like all the other guys. I want to be able to use it, to get hard, to get head just like any bio-guy. I want to be like any bio-guy. I want to be able to pick girls up at the club, to buy girls drinks, to get their number. I want to be able to take girls home and not have to worry about awkward explanations of why I look like a guy, but I'm missing certain essential male hardware.
I want someone who will look at me and say "he's hot" when I'm clothed and naked.
I want to look good in, and fill out a suit.
I want to be a man. Someone girls are proud to bring home and introduce to their parents.
I want something that's unattainable. That's the problem.
Thats a lie. It is attainable. It'll take some work. Some miracles. Some really special girl. But it could happen.
I'll keep my fingers crossed. and I'll keep you updated.
(just so you know, this was written straight out. No editing except for spelling and grammar mistakes. This is as real as it gets. Straight up how I feel. you're welcome)
