In an effort to better understand one's self, it is always a good idea to embark first on a journey of introspection.
Introspection is the self-observation and reporting of conscious inner thoughts, desires and sensations. It is a conscious mental and usually purposive process relying on thinking, reasoning, and examining one's own thoughts, feelings, and, in more spiritual cases, one's soul.
The real struggle lies in where the introspection starts.
Sometimes, it starts with a journal. A journal that a 2nd grade teacher asks the class to keep. No one is really sure why they must keep a journal, but who is going to argue with the teacher. Trivial things go into those pages, but the mind of a 7-year old is only so organized.
But the action of pencil to paper is soothing, and emotions are poured out onto the page. Something there just clicks. The ability to watch yourself grow and develop is born. Half a dozen 80-page spirals are bought for school the following year, and one of them never makes it to school. It hides in a desk drawer, consuming inner-most thoughts and emotions. No one can read it, even though it documents things along the lines of playing GI Joes with neighbors.
But the years flutter by and the notebooks become filled with more emotions than thoughts. Documentations of how you feel about schoolmates. First loves. First fights. First... well you know...
All the while, filed away in the bottom of a drawer.
Hitting teenage years, its the only place where one can truly be themselves, without fear of the scorn of peers. A sort of alternate-self is formed. Boundaries are blurred, possibly crossed, and you lose track of what is real. Who are you really? The face you show the world, or the face that is trapped in the pages of a bound floral print book. You certainly can't be both. Or can you? Are you doomed to be one of them at all? Neither are fit to be fully accepted by society.
Humorist by day, deep thinker by night. Perhaps something darker in between. These are the three faces. All are relevant, important to identity. Giving one up would be madness.
Its all a matter of understanding oneself. Its a fundamental part of the way I function. If I lose sight of that, then I lose sight of my path in life. Everyone has a part of themselves that can never be exposed. Its the beauty of human nature.
Everyone must have a part that is locked away. In the mind, on paper, on a hard drive.
Hard copy reminders of who we once were are a good way to document progression. I keep my journals to see how my writing has changes, and how my mind has changed. Things I once valued have changed into almost trivial things. Things I once took for granted are now valued highly.
And some things never change.
But it would be sacrificing a part of me that is not fit to be exposed to say what never changes. Yes, it is things of those nature.
And I keep on plodding along.
[May be subject to future editing]
